Hear Again

Hello to all those out in I-land, long time no see. Hmm, my last post was January it is now October. Wow some lapse!! Things here are doing great in the land of the Sun. I still have the comments off but will consider turning them on. The great news is that I now have a Yahoo 360 page that I have linked to this one. There is still alot of upkeep for me on this blog so I'll kep this short for now and a thank you for standing by while life has had it's own ideas for my time.

Happy New Year

It seems like only yesterday when we were tipping our champagne glasses to celebrate the start of 2005 but oh how time moves quickly. With the first post in many months, I wanted to get you up speed to my activities. I am finally employed as a peer support specialist. My divorce will be started in a few weeks and I bet my wife will have much to celebrate then. We simply don't talk but I realize she is busy moving forward. I wish her the best and that she will find her soul mate. I harbor no anger towards her or her children. The sad fact is that for whatever the reason, things don't work out and anger gets in the way of the healing process. Our last communication was over a year ago and she is working towards being a nurse. She is a great people person and has a caring spirit and I think she'll do great at her new job. It's a shame that things didn't work but it has made me more aware of relationships and how to care for them. I think we never really know the value of something until it's taken from us. I think that is true for my wife and me. I know for me that I didn't realize how irresponsible I had become with my emotional and physical health, my choices and my addictions until it cost me my marriage. Time can be a cruel teacher but it's an effective one.

Whew! last week was an experience. I attended orientation for Southwest Behavioral and I didn't imagine there was so much information to absorb. My first day at work is tomorrow and I still have on site training to consider. Even though it is Sunday, I have much to do before work so I will keep in touch as time permits.

Sounds Of Silence

Alot has occured since my last post. I moved into a nicer place, Went from dial up to DSL and finally have a target date to be hired in at SBH. With all the great news am I happy?, While I might enjoy the sweetness of these events, I still am lonely. I don't understand why people only engage in an active friendship only when they have something to gain by it? While it isn't everybody that does it, it saddens my heart to know it still exists. Some people are really busy and when we talk, I respect that and understand but there are a few that will come to me in times of need and disappear afterwards. Such a selfish thing to me. I am not good enough to talk to when a need doesn't exist? While these people owe me nothing, why is it easier to take than to give?

Understand that it isn't the giving I mind but it all seems so one-sided and isn't good friendships based in mutual contribution? With all this is the empty promises just to keep me interested until they have recieved what they have come for? I believe a man's word is his bond and a man is no better than his word. Now of course women are not immumed to this basic principle. I grow tired of empty promises. I grow tired of people who wish a friendship but with their exceptions attached. I grow tired of those who claim they accept me for who I am but attempt to change me according to their own blueprint of my life. I would rather them be cold to me then luke warm. Tonight I have decided that these people have no useful place in my social circle. Tonight I turn a new leaf and reject these narrow minded and self serving attitudes towards me. Tonight I refuse to turn the other cheek and let these leeches know what they'll recieve from me in the future, nothing.

Stranger In A Strange Land

As I wandered home from work today, it had occured to me how I was growing out of the life I was wearing. I notice all the small unperceptable changes and added them all up. I was no longer comfortable in life anymore. It was then I felt a sudden rush of fear at what I said. "Me change, why and what will happen if I do?" I wonder what eternal consequence would be in store for me.
I have to admit that living up to modern day expectation is a challenge. Living is such a fluid existance and when you believe you are starting to learn the rules, they are changed. I am so used to having static and well defined goals in front of me but nowadays they are as faceless as the clay they are made with. After group is over, I am always asked if I will be back tommorrow and to me it seems like a silly question. If I don't attend then I don't recieve the training I need to be employed as an RSS. While groups are fun, they are not optional to me. What kind of precedent do I establish if I miss groups consistantly? I am not sure of the mindset of southwest, I am not going to give them a reason to keep me from being an RSS. While this sounds paranoid and that I believe there is a conspiracy, it is simply a dedication to my goals. If the truth be known, I have just started to establish appropriate communication with them and so it will take time for me to develop that. I have alot of ideas buzzing in my mind about it but I need to trust them, all will be told me in time. Patience is the only word I should listen to at this point.
I have to admit it gets lonely, I have a good relationship with Cathy,Irma,Marshall and Sarah but for the others, it's anybody's guess. I think I put too much emphasis on it really, but I have always had that kind of insecurity, being liked and accepted. I keep telling myself over and over again that it isn't important if others accept you as long as you accept yourself. It's still sinking in but these will be my professional contacts and I think that's why I put such an importance to it.
I think with patience and communication I will succeed and as long as I keep that vision, nothing is out of my grasp.

Stripping Away The Layers

A human being is a very complex machine and I am finding the same for myself. I really believed when I decided to join Southwest's RSS program it would be a simple matter of learning proceedures and protocols and be hired in. I believed it would take just a few months and I would have it all behind me. Tonight I am finding a greater treasure........ Me. I never really consider where I was at emotionally and it was always second to getting hired. I am finding that there is alot of mending I must do yet and for the first time in a long time, I will be introduced to the long lost me. I am afraid but brave. What have I stored away in this head of mine?

I was thinking of the friend I once had a crush on and one thought haunts me tonight, how right she was to deny the love I offered her. Tonight I realize why. There is so many wounds I have that is still infected and seeping. I thought they were closed and healed over but I'm seeing now that I must heal from within. Opening old wounds isn't my favorite pastime but it is a neccessary one. We had a sock hop at Southwest and today I felt a touch a freedom that has escaped me for so long. In that moment I forgot my drive to be a good employee and just be a good friend first. Tonight I regret my time away but in that I am excited about what I will revel to me.

Tonight I am without anxiety, I still consider it imparative to be there but not for the reason I once believed. I want to go just to be me, I still have alot of growth but this is a good start I think. As for being alone, this my first night in my journey to find someone. First things first, let me find myself first and there we will talk about sharing that with someone else later. I am ready to strip away the old and tarnished layers of me and find the beautiful finish underneath. I will take some hard work and commitment but I know it is there and I need this person now so all things are possible.

Holding Patterns

It's rather late for me to post but sometimes you have to make the sacrifice to maintain the idea as a whole. I have been training with a local mental health provider to become a Rehabilitation Support Specialist. I've decided to take a few steps backwards for the time being but I don't consider it a failure.

I'm finding in my quest that there has been unaccounted loose ends that I have to tidy up. While these coping mechanisms once served me well, they are inhibiting my progress today. I am excited at the possibilities of reinventing myself. I give my kudos to the kindness of my facilitators for helping me along the path of self discovery. Imagine this! I finally have a clear and well define opportunity to fashion myself into a person well anchored into recovery. While I will miss the paycheck, the rewards this provides will be far more valuable to me.

I welcome the journey and even more enthusiastic about it then the title. I have a small fear what I might find in this process but whenever you look at yourself in a deep and brutally honest manner, it always raises fear. The brave individuals don't look at it as a negative but as a positive catalyst for change and improvement. I am brave and willing.

Again I plan to move but the last 24 hours has impressed on me the principle of change. I remember a time when I wondered when and if I would change. Recovery wasn't part of my language back then and the best I hoped for was the length of spaces between relapses. It amazes me how we have changed the outlook from one that treats the illness to one that treats the person with the illness. There is going to be conference in October and I'm going to see if I could go to it. It's being held in Phoenix so that is a start. I would be nice to rub elbows with other people who have been in recovery and is holding the candle to lead others in the same direction.

I think part of my issue was that I'm very self competitive and goal centered but I also tend to compromise other parts of life to achieve the goal. While trying my best to be a RSS is admirable, ignoring my own recovery isn't an acceptable compromise. This week I discovered the depth of caring by Southwest Behavioral. They could have let me pass by and place me in a position but they are more concerned with my ability to maintain that position for the long term. This week I discovered a real human quality about these people. I mistakenly saw them as my employers but I now see them as caring individuals and friends.

I was supposed to give my recovery story next week but that has placed on hold but you know, I think it's a good thing because when I am ready, they will see the real me and not some cardboard cutout of a motivational speaker. I think it's time to expose the world to the real and honest to goodness me. I don't know how long the journey will take but if I make the journey the best it can be then the destination will be fashioned in the same light.

I often wonder what perpetuated me this far. While my infirmities are small compared to others, they have been difficult for me. I have to believe in a deep and profound way that my experiences I have had and will have is preparing me for a greater work. My grandma tells me all the time about the refiner's fire and what it takes to take a ordinary piece of metal and make it into something useful and strong. It is heated and then forged in the hammer of the ironsmith. By striking the heated metal with the hammer, it strengthens it and forms it. It takes a repeated process to finish and tempers the object. My grandma has a wisdom beyond her years and she is aging rapidly. The world will lose one it's most valuable assets when she is gone. It is sad indeed that the course of my life has distanced me from her.

Trust has always been difficult for me and it is even harder to trust family. I don't see a family as a means to love and be loved but one massive set of contradictions that I would rather run away from then openly deal with. The one question I have never got a answer for is why we use the concept of a family to hurt each other intentionally and callously? It has always been hard for me to love someone when I realize they have been unfair and judgmental towards me. Maybe that is why Lucifer has chosen the destruction of the family as his target and goal. I know in my life there is such a conflict to love someone who has hurt me. To forgive someone who lacks forgiveness for me. To understand someone who doesn't hold the same for me. In these truths I realize why Jesus Christ cried as he was being crucified, I cry too. Maybe one day I can put these things away or at least in perspective but until then, the best I can offer them is my silence and distance. I fear that one day I might have to sacrifice my family for my own peace of mind and personal growth.

Cruise 'N

Sometimes in my busy life I hear a piece of news that inspires a post and whatever the cost, I have to get it down in cyberspace.

Tom Cruise was recently interviewed and in that interview, he critisized Brooke Shields for the use and endorsement of anti-depressants. Since I am a guy, I have no workable concept of post pardom depression (hope the spelling is right at least!) but since I have a working knowledge of emotional related issues I wanted to provide my two cents.

I like Mr Cruise's assessment to a point. I think as a nation it has almost become fashionable to be taking some kind of anti depressant, painkillers or sleep aids and I have even notice it as a tactic to promote a person or a show. While I don't like the thought of staying in the closet, I think if a person is going to come forward to admit a diagnosis and medication, I think it should be in a forum and a time that would best serve the others to do it a forum that would promote recovery then promote themselves. As for me it has been a private issue but not too long ago I used as a means to define myself as a whole person. Trouble with that is people seem less understanding about emotional issues because it is a condition that not easily defined by sight plus there is the constant sensationalism by the media that contributes to the stigma. All this tends to create a fear of the unknown where a person with emotional issues are concerned.

Things have improved substancially but I think the one stumbling block is the language we assign to infirmity. Take the word Schizoprenia, this was first coined back in the 1920's or 1930's and if you take it literal translation from latin is "Split Mind" When the this was first discovered, doctors had believe that the patient's mind had "split" into different personalities. We now know that this is the furthest from the truth. Schizoprenia is a set of related disorders that affect and impact a person's ability to percieve reality correctly. There is a part of the brain near it's stem called the "Thalamus" that is responsible for perception and they are finding that this part's functioning has been altered but yet the named coined earlier has been maintained. If you are going to loosen the stigma start with how you describe infirmity. I think in order for us to understand any condition, put it into plain english. Pharmacutical Companies could take a lesson in simplicity as well.

I think we place too much trust in a practicing physicians. I know with my earlier experiences, it was easier to see the doctor at an appointed time and get medications without really understanding the condition you are being treated for. Today's doctors are well educated but in the end they are still human beings and still honing their skills well after medical school and residency. It's odd how we never question our method of treatment until a mistake has been made in it's execution. Lawyers will listen rather intently to any claim of medical malpractice because it is now a issue of monetary gain but does the patient ever question there own responsibility? Not all cases follow the same method of operation but I've been noticing an increasing number of them in the last few years. I believe in personal responsibility, while we can't factor in all the varibles with education, we can signifigantly reduce the possiblity of medical malpractice. Education of our infirmities, treatment options and a good communication with your physician will work wonders for recovery. It's easier for us to take a pill and give no consideration to the other aspects of our care. Mr. Cruise has the right idea to caution against the extended use of medications such as anti-depressants but to imply the total elimination of them is questionable in my mind.

I am finding that lifestyle changes are imparative to maintain one's health. When someone is depressed, there is so many factors to consider besides medication. Do they exercise regularly, maintain good dietary habits, Avoid illicit drug use and alcohol, Avoid cigarette smoking, Avoid a sedentary lifestyle or Educated themselves to other methods to lessen or eliminate symptoms without excessive medication? It seems there is more of a push to medicate people then to teach themselves to make better choices for their lives? I like Mr. Cruise's emphasis on personal responsibility.

I'm glad that Brooke Shields is in a position to advocate but why can't we have the best of both worlds, the medications to relieve symptoms and education to learn to control the symptoms through lifestyle changes? So Mr. Cruise, I applaud your efforts to inform the public but I would hope it would provide an option without oppression?