Mighty Wings Of Anarchy, A Traveller's Account

Hear Again

2006-10-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hello to all those out in I-land, long time no see. Hmm, my last post was January it is now October. Wow some lapse!! Things here are doing great in the land of the Sun. I still have the comments off but will consider turning them on. The great news is that I now have a Yahoo 360 page that I have linked to this one. There is still alot of upkeep for me on this blog so I'll kep this short for now and a thank you for standing by while life has had it's own ideas for my time.

2006-01-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year

It seems like only yesterday when we were tipping our champagne glasses to celebrate the start of 2005 but oh how time moves quickly. With the first post in many months, I wanted to get you up speed to my activities. I am finally employed as a peer support specialist. My divorce will be started in a few weeks and I bet my wife will have much to celebrate then. We simply don't talk but I realize she is busy moving forward. I wish her the best and that she will find her soul mate. I harbor no anger towards her or her children. The sad fact is that for whatever the reason, things don't work out and anger gets in the way of the healing process. Our last communication was over a year ago and she is working towards being a nurse. She is a great people person and has a caring spirit and I think she'll do great at her new job. It's a shame that things didn't work but it has made me more aware of relationships and how to care for them. I think we never really know the value of something until it's taken from us. I think that is true for my wife and me. I know for me that I didn't realize how irresponsible I had become with my emotional and physical health, my choices and my addictions until it cost me my marriage. Time can be a cruel teacher but it's an effective one.

Whew! last week was an experience. I attended orientation for Southwest Behavioral and I didn't imagine there was so much information to absorb. My first day at work is tomorrow and I still have on site training to consider. Even though it is Sunday, I have much to do before work so I will keep in touch as time permits.

Sounds Of Silence

2005-08-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Alot has occured since my last post. I moved into a nicer place, Went from dial up to DSL and finally have a target date to be hired in at SBH. With all the great news am I happy?, While I might enjoy the sweetness of these events, I still am lonely. I don't understand why people only engage in an active friendship only when they have something to gain by it? While it isn't everybody that does it, it saddens my heart to know it still exists. Some people are really busy and when we talk, I respect that and understand but there are a few that will come to me in times of need and disappear afterwards. Such a selfish thing to me. I am not good enough to talk to when a need doesn't exist? While these people owe me nothing, why is it easier to take than to give?

Understand that it isn't the giving I mind but it all seems so one-sided and isn't good friendships based in mutual contribution? With all this is the empty promises just to keep me interested until they have recieved what they have come for? I believe a man's word is his bond and a man is no better than his word. Now of course women are not immumed to this basic principle. I grow tired of empty promises. I grow tired of people who wish a friendship but with their exceptions attached. I grow tired of those who claim they accept me for who I am but attempt to change me according to their own blueprint of my life. I would rather them be cold to me then luke warm. Tonight I have decided that these people have no useful place in my social circle. Tonight I turn a new leaf and reject these narrow minded and self serving attitudes towards me. Tonight I refuse to turn the other cheek and let these leeches know what they'll recieve from me in the future, nothing.

Stranger In A Strange Land

2005-08-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

As I wandered home from work today, it had occured to me how I was growing out of the life I was wearing. I notice all the small unperceptable changes and added them all up. I was no longer comfortable in life anymore. It was then I felt a sudden rush of fear at what I said. "Me change, why and what will happen if I do?" I wonder what eternal consequence would be in store for me.
I have to admit that living up to modern day expectation is a challenge. Living is such a fluid existance and when you believe you are starting to learn the rules, they are changed. I am so used to having static and well defined goals in front of me but nowadays they are as faceless as the clay they are made with. After group is over, I am always asked if I will be back tommorrow and to me it seems like a silly question. If I don't attend then I don't recieve the training I need to be employed as an RSS. While groups are fun, they are not optional to me. What kind of precedent do I establish if I miss groups consistantly? I am not sure of the mindset of southwest, I am not going to give them a reason to keep me from being an RSS. While this sounds paranoid and that I believe there is a conspiracy, it is simply a dedication to my goals. If the truth be known, I have just started to establish appropriate communication with them and so it will take time for me to develop that. I have alot of ideas buzzing in my mind about it but I need to trust them, all will be told me in time. Patience is the only word I should listen to at this point.
I have to admit it gets lonely, I have a good relationship with Cathy,Irma,Marshall and Sarah but for the others, it's anybody's guess. I think I put too much emphasis on it really, but I have always had that kind of insecurity, being liked and accepted. I keep telling myself over and over again that it isn't important if others accept you as long as you accept yourself. It's still sinking in but these will be my professional contacts and I think that's why I put such an importance to it.
I think with patience and communication I will succeed and as long as I keep that vision, nothing is out of my grasp.

Stripping Away The Layers

2005-07-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

A human being is a very complex machine and I am finding the same for myself. I really believed when I decided to join Southwest's RSS program it would be a simple matter of learning proceedures and protocols and be hired in. I believed it would take just a few months and I would have it all behind me. Tonight I am finding a greater treasure........ Me. I never really consider where I was at emotionally and it was always second to getting hired. I am finding that there is alot of mending I must do yet and for the first time in a long time, I will be introduced to the long lost me. I am afraid but brave. What have I stored away in this head of mine?

I was thinking of the friend I once had a crush on and one thought haunts me tonight, how right she was to deny the love I offered her. Tonight I realize why. There is so many wounds I have that is still infected and seeping. I thought they were closed and healed over but I'm seeing now that I must heal from within. Opening old wounds isn't my favorite pastime but it is a neccessary one. We had a sock hop at Southwest and today I felt a touch a freedom that has escaped me for so long. In that moment I forgot my drive to be a good employee and just be a good friend first. Tonight I regret my time away but in that I am excited about what I will revel to me.

Tonight I am without anxiety, I still consider it imparative to be there but not for the reason I once believed. I want to go just to be me, I still have alot of growth but this is a good start I think. As for being alone, this my first night in my journey to find someone. First things first, let me find myself first and there we will talk about sharing that with someone else later. I am ready to strip away the old and tarnished layers of me and find the beautiful finish underneath. I will take some hard work and commitment but I know it is there and I need this person now so all things are possible.

Holding Patterns

2005-07-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's rather late for me to post but sometimes you have to make the sacrifice to maintain the idea as a whole. I have been training with a local mental health provider to become a Rehabilitation Support Specialist. I've decided to take a few steps backwards for the time being but I don't consider it a failure.

I'm finding in my quest that there has been unaccounted loose ends that I have to tidy up. While these coping mechanisms once served me well, they are inhibiting my progress today. I am excited at the possibilities of reinventing myself. I give my kudos to the kindness of my facilitators for helping me along the path of self discovery. Imagine this! I finally have a clear and well define opportunity to fashion myself into a person well anchored into recovery. While I will miss the paycheck, the rewards this provides will be far more valuable to me.

I welcome the journey and even more enthusiastic about it then the title. I have a small fear what I might find in this process but whenever you look at yourself in a deep and brutally honest manner, it always raises fear. The brave individuals don't look at it as a negative but as a positive catalyst for change and improvement. I am brave and willing.

Again I plan to move but the last 24 hours has impressed on me the principle of change. I remember a time when I wondered when and if I would change. Recovery wasn't part of my language back then and the best I hoped for was the length of spaces between relapses. It amazes me how we have changed the outlook from one that treats the illness to one that treats the person with the illness. There is going to be conference in October and I'm going to see if I could go to it. It's being held in Phoenix so that is a start. I would be nice to rub elbows with other people who have been in recovery and is holding the candle to lead others in the same direction.

I think part of my issue was that I'm very self competitive and goal centered but I also tend to compromise other parts of life to achieve the goal. While trying my best to be a RSS is admirable, ignoring my own recovery isn't an acceptable compromise. This week I discovered the depth of caring by Southwest Behavioral. They could have let me pass by and place me in a position but they are more concerned with my ability to maintain that position for the long term. This week I discovered a real human quality about these people. I mistakenly saw them as my employers but I now see them as caring individuals and friends.

I was supposed to give my recovery story next week but that has placed on hold but you know, I think it's a good thing because when I am ready, they will see the real me and not some cardboard cutout of a motivational speaker. I think it's time to expose the world to the real and honest to goodness me. I don't know how long the journey will take but if I make the journey the best it can be then the destination will be fashioned in the same light.

I often wonder what perpetuated me this far. While my infirmities are small compared to others, they have been difficult for me. I have to believe in a deep and profound way that my experiences I have had and will have is preparing me for a greater work. My grandma tells me all the time about the refiner's fire and what it takes to take a ordinary piece of metal and make it into something useful and strong. It is heated and then forged in the hammer of the ironsmith. By striking the heated metal with the hammer, it strengthens it and forms it. It takes a repeated process to finish and tempers the object. My grandma has a wisdom beyond her years and she is aging rapidly. The world will lose one it's most valuable assets when she is gone. It is sad indeed that the course of my life has distanced me from her.

Trust has always been difficult for me and it is even harder to trust family. I don't see a family as a means to love and be loved but one massive set of contradictions that I would rather run away from then openly deal with. The one question I have never got a answer for is why we use the concept of a family to hurt each other intentionally and callously? It has always been hard for me to love someone when I realize they have been unfair and judgmental towards me. Maybe that is why Lucifer has chosen the destruction of the family as his target and goal. I know in my life there is such a conflict to love someone who has hurt me. To forgive someone who lacks forgiveness for me. To understand someone who doesn't hold the same for me. In these truths I realize why Jesus Christ cried as he was being crucified, I cry too. Maybe one day I can put these things away or at least in perspective but until then, the best I can offer them is my silence and distance. I fear that one day I might have to sacrifice my family for my own peace of mind and personal growth.

Cruise 'N

2005-07-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in my busy life I hear a piece of news that inspires a post and whatever the cost, I have to get it down in cyberspace.

Tom Cruise was recently interviewed and in that interview, he critisized Brooke Shields for the use and endorsement of anti-depressants. Since I am a guy, I have no workable concept of post pardom depression (hope the spelling is right at least!) but since I have a working knowledge of emotional related issues I wanted to provide my two cents.

I like Mr Cruise's assessment to a point. I think as a nation it has almost become fashionable to be taking some kind of anti depressant, painkillers or sleep aids and I have even notice it as a tactic to promote a person or a show. While I don't like the thought of staying in the closet, I think if a person is going to come forward to admit a diagnosis and medication, I think it should be in a forum and a time that would best serve the others to do it a forum that would promote recovery then promote themselves. As for me it has been a private issue but not too long ago I used as a means to define myself as a whole person. Trouble with that is people seem less understanding about emotional issues because it is a condition that not easily defined by sight plus there is the constant sensationalism by the media that contributes to the stigma. All this tends to create a fear of the unknown where a person with emotional issues are concerned.

Things have improved substancially but I think the one stumbling block is the language we assign to infirmity. Take the word Schizoprenia, this was first coined back in the 1920's or 1930's and if you take it literal translation from latin is "Split Mind" When the this was first discovered, doctors had believe that the patient's mind had "split" into different personalities. We now know that this is the furthest from the truth. Schizoprenia is a set of related disorders that affect and impact a person's ability to percieve reality correctly. There is a part of the brain near it's stem called the "Thalamus" that is responsible for perception and they are finding that this part's functioning has been altered but yet the named coined earlier has been maintained. If you are going to loosen the stigma start with how you describe infirmity. I think in order for us to understand any condition, put it into plain english. Pharmacutical Companies could take a lesson in simplicity as well.

I think we place too much trust in a practicing physicians. I know with my earlier experiences, it was easier to see the doctor at an appointed time and get medications without really understanding the condition you are being treated for. Today's doctors are well educated but in the end they are still human beings and still honing their skills well after medical school and residency. It's odd how we never question our method of treatment until a mistake has been made in it's execution. Lawyers will listen rather intently to any claim of medical malpractice because it is now a issue of monetary gain but does the patient ever question there own responsibility? Not all cases follow the same method of operation but I've been noticing an increasing number of them in the last few years. I believe in personal responsibility, while we can't factor in all the varibles with education, we can signifigantly reduce the possiblity of medical malpractice. Education of our infirmities, treatment options and a good communication with your physician will work wonders for recovery. It's easier for us to take a pill and give no consideration to the other aspects of our care. Mr. Cruise has the right idea to caution against the extended use of medications such as anti-depressants but to imply the total elimination of them is questionable in my mind.

I am finding that lifestyle changes are imparative to maintain one's health. When someone is depressed, there is so many factors to consider besides medication. Do they exercise regularly, maintain good dietary habits, Avoid illicit drug use and alcohol, Avoid cigarette smoking, Avoid a sedentary lifestyle or Educated themselves to other methods to lessen or eliminate symptoms without excessive medication? It seems there is more of a push to medicate people then to teach themselves to make better choices for their lives? I like Mr. Cruise's emphasis on personal responsibility.

I'm glad that Brooke Shields is in a position to advocate but why can't we have the best of both worlds, the medications to relieve symptoms and education to learn to control the symptoms through lifestyle changes? So Mr. Cruise, I applaud your efforts to inform the public but I would hope it would provide an option without oppression?

Shopping At Value Mart.

2005-05-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days, that I quiety contemplated the world. I could complain but one thing struck me today. I think sometimes we can look at our circumstances and focus on the negative but in reality, adversity teaches us value. I think before we can be reprogrammed, our emotional layers must be stripped away and our beliefs invalidated. After that we are programmed with more appropriate values.

In adversity we have a choice in how we survive. Do we spend our last 5 dollars on food or do we spend it on the latest video game? It's funny when I was charged with that kind of desicion making, I preferred the want over the need. I think in order for the process to be effective, you have to take the results of that decision and deal with the consequences yourself. If you go to another person to bail you out then what is really learned?

There has been many times I have went without but the one thing I clinged to is that it's was my desicion that brought me to this point. I still learn the lesson of responsibilty and I like what has taught me so far. I think the key is pain. Pain is our greatest teacher and ultimately the most effective one. No one wants to hurt or feel pain and when they do they want to use any means to rid themselves of it. Unfortunately, I think people focus on the pain and not what is the root of it. They set themselves to soothe themselves and forget to remove the cause. In the end they continue with the same set of errors without a clue why?

I love these moments of introspection and reflection because it allows me a higher understanding to things. I don't think it is understandings that I gift myself. Someone much wiser said he have to make ourselves humble and teachable before we can be and I think I am being taught because I have been lowered enough to accept the lessons now. I feel blessed in the process, it's a personal journey I take alone and I speak of it little but I think that is what is suppose to be. I don't feel alone in that process.

I look at our world and I see so many injustices and indifferances but it's in the actions of an individual that makes the most differance, In that, I hope I'm a good example.

Sleep Is But A Dream

2005-05-31T04:40:00.000-07:00

It's 4:30 AM and I unable to sleep. This happens from time to time and the best thing is too let the time pass quietly. I'm listening to classical piano music and hope that calm the savage beast, they say music is supposed to do that. I have the week off from my responsibilities at work. For clarification purposes, this is unpaid training but I think putting in the frame of a responsibility instead of an optional activity will help me keep my goals in front of me. It looks like since I have most of the pre-requisites finished, I should have a position in a very short period of time.

It's funny when I have alot of free time I go absolutely nuts and when I schedule my time, I return to a normal rhythm.

I don't hear much from family and I see it as a blessing that I don't get mixed up in the sillyness of the families ongoing disputes but I am very lonely right now. I think being away from family would be much more palatable with a companion. Talking to yourself is a nice substitute but it gets pretty bad when you get tired of what you say to yourself and try to tune yourself out. I often wonder if I am so different that there will be nobody interested in me?

Of course there is church and I'm starting to lose a measure of faith in that. See, I don't understand how we could be expected to remain chaste? It's all quite confusing really. The expectation is that we can grow reasonably adjusted without indentifying with ourselves sexually. This is not to say we should throw morality out the window but how could balance be struck? I think it is easy for someone that is committed to say I should continue waiting. While I respect the effort, their words leave me empty and unfullfilled. I am a odd duck of sorts.

I simply can't endure this for too much longer. Is it so wrong to to admit that you are incomplete without a companion. I think there is no shame in wanting something more. Now for those that have their mind in the gutter, let me clarify. It would be nice to have someone to enjoy life's simple joys with.

Now I have a rant. Where does it say that because of emotional ailments I have, that I do not think and feel as the others. Who said that I am less intelligent or perceptive? Show me in any book that my expectations are far lowered due to this. Who has the right to define a person that they know little of? Come on people! Wake up and look at me, I'm not so different than you. Are you afraid of what my life might reveal to you? Are you afraid that somehow this can be passed to you and curse your remaining generations? Look at me and know that my blood is just as red and yes I bleed also. I feel every facet of the human condition much like you do. Is it so much to ask of you to understand me as you ask me to understand you. Is you illusion of me so secure and jaded that you can't look beyond it to see the real living and breathing human being in me?

I meant this more towards family and friends but I suspect it is only a whisper to their scream. I've found that in my life that I miss the things I used to have more than the things I have now and I if I'm just as human as they are then I have the answer to my questions but I have to admit, I don't like the answer too well.

This Old House

2005-05-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the speed of life is fast then my ability to live it. While some parts of it are well cared for, others are denied and in this case, I haven't been posting here as I should. I hope this one will make up for at least a part of that deficit.

I have been involved in some home improvement projects and I feel good about the accomplishments. I think we learn to appreciate the value of something when we learn to repair it. It is so easy to take things for granted until it isn't there anymore. As for me, it's better to value something before you lose it, I tend to take care of it to ensure it isn't taken.

It's funny that these repairs cost me more in the commitment to do it. The materials to make the repairs were very cheap. For instance, I have a bed frame that couldn't support a mattress and I fixed it with a empty canister under the edge to keep it from falling. months later, I discover that the bolts that kept the frame together were either loose or stripped. The frame is made of a soft wood and so some of the bolts had chewed out the holes enough that you couldn't tighten them. The remedy was taking the frame apart and filling the old holes with plastic wood and retapping them. The plastic wood was about 4 dollars. For an afternoon, I was able to fix a frame that I like. accomplishment: priceless.

I mused about us living in a disposable society. I think it has made us lazy. Most of what we throw away has alot of life left in it and just need simple repairs.

I like being able to preserve what I have, I realize how much it would take to replace it and that I have no money to do so.

All this being said, I'm proud of my effort to keep my house maintained. The tasks were simple with a great return on the efforts. I'll think I take some time to stroke my ego a bit, I deserve it.

The Long Sunday Exhale

2005-03-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days where you are completely relaxed and at one with your surroundings.

I had a doctor's appointment on Friday and they started on a new medication for depression. Normally I abhor new medications but, this one is doing it's job without any noticeable side effects. I'm a little more drowsy than usual but, that will pass once I become adjusted to it.

Still not getting much in the way of phone call or other correspondance but, the silence that I once considered threatening is becoming comforting. I'm social but things can get complicated pretty quick when you start dealing with others. You really need to exercise an economy of friendships and relationships. There are those you can have this and it is completely equal but there are those that takes more then what they give. There are those time where you are taking too much yourself and with both instances you have to either dissolve it or find out how to make things more equitable.

I have thought much about friendships for about a couple of months now. I always think of this but, not as introspective as I am doing now. I am empty because I am the person that likes to give regardless of any harm it might cause myself. That gives until it hurts philosphy seems so destructive. I think people will take as long as it is free and I need to begin saying no.

UPDATE: I have been lacking in my commitments to post here but it makes for more interesting conversation. We can write about anything if we force the moment but to write when the inspiration is there is a moment of magic.

Thing here are doing very well and content for the moment. There will be those times when I am less than happy but it only prepares me for days like these. I have been taking classes to become a peer support specialist for a local mental health clinic and have finally found my place. I look forward to serving others and help them through the red tape of our mental heath system here. I write more about it in coming months. take care all and talk to you later

The Way Home?

2005-03-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

There is those times of quiet introspection that you question direction and destination. We need that from time to time to keep our bearings true. There are so many paths to a single destination, we are armed in it's choice and charged with the consequences afterwards. I sit in front of my my computer and the phosphor glow lights my face but never illuminates a path or a process.

The one path that remains true to me is my heavenly father. With all that I have experienced and probably will experience, this remains a constant and its goals and expectation clearly defined. Yet I wander?. I've always embraced experementation as a means to establish validity. It has been saving grace but is that as empty as me now?

I've been reading "how to win friends and influence people" and I read a passage that struck a familiar chord in me. To paraphrase: People are not as interested in you as they are in themselves. It goes on to say that in order to gain a favorable response from them you have to be able to talk about something that pertains to them. I read this and it conflicts with what I have been taught. In the mad season, it was next to impossible to be able to express and take responsibility for my own emotions. I enrolled in an assertive training course and I learned that an "I" statement shows you recognize the emotion and take responsibility for it. I learned that by using that you clearly define yourself to others and your expectations. It's odd because I have tried to balance I with them. Nowadays, people don't call or contact me much and I have to wonder if this behavior is the culprit?

Is it selfish to withhold your emotions or express them? If I am selfish for trying to define myself to others. Should I think of everybody else then does that make them selfish as well because they expect that?

Benny

2005-03-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

I woke to a burning noontime sun and the darkness. I hadn't felt the darkness for a long time and I feared what the day would bring. After about 15 minutes of self arguement, I convinced myself out of bed and prepare for the day. In these instances, it is an effort to do the basic things. You are denied the energy to do those things and you have to reach far within yourself to make things happen. Funny how people still believe I make it all up and I can rid myself of it if I wish hard enough.

Once a week, I enjoy eating out and a walk in a nearby mall. That's time to recharge and remind myself of how great it's to be me. The forums could never compete with going out into the world and experience it firsthand. Sometimes you see how unfair things can be but most of the time you understand that these people around you struggle in life as you do. We still share, smile, laugh and cry together. You are reminded of how profoundly you effect others even in the small simple ways.

After my trip, I was waiting at the bus stop and there I met a man named Benny. By my first look I realized he had cerebal palsy. He had asked about a bus he was waiting for and I obliged him with the information he needed. He started talking to me and I wish I could've silenced the rush of the evening traffic to hear him. The one thing I understood that this gentleman could've complain of his infirmities but he carried a smile and to trust me enough to talk to me. I wonder where has that innocence disappeared to. Have we become so jaded in everyday life that we can't see the simple miracles of it.

I've decided that there is more to gain when you are around others. I'm not returning to the forum because it is too comfortable and safe and there is so much more to life than that. I might be an ENTP and that has been questioned more than once, but I was never comfortable with labels. I have had more than my fair share and I could care and defend those labels but I would only perpetuate the use of them and they might serve a purpose but we assign to much to them. When we assign a label, it's far easier to accept it then to discover the true nature of what we label. Yes, I used them too and for the good of no one. I left with a message to a friend and just walked away and it couldn't be more comfortable than that. The greatest lesson we can learn is when it's ok to let go and know it is ok to do so.

The Legs To Stand

2005-03-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

It these times that try men's souls. I didn't say that but it is such a fitting statement and a nice icebreaker for this entry.

It is these times that seperate the men from the boys and the wheat from the chaff and for this one day, it's nice to make the grade. My day started when I learned that a business I employ to help me with my services was being less than honest about their's. It's funny how we don't make trust, honesty, integrity as a requirement but a request instead. I think if we pay for a service we should get that service without exception or excuse.

UPDATE: I finally have the inspiration for this. It's nice to make the grade but there are those times you don't and face with the consequences. I believe our pain teaches us how to avoid pain and in this instance I'm listening. As I blogged in earlier posts about my involvement with www.entp.org and at one point considered dropping it for personal conflicts I was dealing with at the time. with the kind and reassuring words from a few of it's members, I decide to continue.

I look at my older posts from time to time to provide a frame of reference of my growth there and I made alot of positive moves. When I first started posting, it came out as one sentence. no paragraph breaks, bad punctuation and spelling. I wonder at this time why I wasn't get much of an audience for my beliefs. I figured it was a means to throw these ideas out into the open and then I would be condemned or complemented. Turns out that for an idea to be understood, it must be presented in a means that it could be understood. Nowadays, I use all the forementioned ideas to make things more understandable. I'm still trying to work on simplification as I tend to go off on tangents that completely lose the readers.

It's interesting, I am criticized for the long-winded posts and no literary manners and then when I decide to use the edit to sharpen them, I get razzed for that as well. It brings me to the question of why people complain? Does it provide the guidence to make the presentations better or is it because they have nothing better to do or by exposing my errors they take the focus off their own. For the most part, the membership is noble that way.

I was also thinking about the social aspects of the forum and I have to say in all honesty that the forum changes me more then I change them. I don't mind this because these are my peers. ENTP's normally debate as a means to sharpen themselves. Although I'm still learning the rules of the game. I realize that my choices are 1# Learn the rules or 2# Find another forum. I love that choice because it calls a greater effort and challenge to learn. The rules are demanding and exacting but once internalized, they provide benefits away from the forum and with dealing with others.

When I say rules, it is in a general sense. The only rules posted are the rules on conduct but the rules I'm referring to is more along the lines of expectations. When you are face to face with a person, you have body language and other clues to the message that is being sent. With a forum, it causes a greater precision in your language and how it is implemented because all you have is words. To make your case, you have to be able to express it in specifics. It's a fun challenge and you might fall and skin your knees and bruise your ego but there is always a lesson for those who listen.

I have finally got around to read again. In the past, there simply too many distractions to complete a book I would start. Someone had recommended a book by Dale Carnagie called "How To Win Friends And Influence People" some time back and I finally got it. I love the subject matter and even with the title. It has alot of good points to consider and ones I really need to implement to improve my communication with others.

Ah! My first complete post in how long? This calls for popcorn and a movie. I think "The Green Mile" sounds real good. Reviews? maybe for another post but tonight it's all about me. Laterz

No Answers

2005-02-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

There is those times when you have decide what you value more and decisions based on that established value. I had to take further steps to ensure my privacy and that was the hardest thing to do especially when it is against someone that you've known for quite a long time and that you know they are having a difficult time and need you. There are problems and issues far beyond my ability to deal with them without damaging my own emotional health. This situation has progressed to that point.

I don't mind the sacrifices if they were producing any amount of positive progress but this has been has been in a slow decay for about a year and it's time to stop before any real harm is done to either side. It is a sad day for me but these measures were needed. I could change my phone number but I think that is complete overkill. She is not a dangerous person in any way, she has alot on her plate and sometimes we lose our way and ourselves in the struggle to maintain a sense of normality. I've been there and it can be very frightning and unpredictable. I will leave the phone alone for right now, I want her to have a means to contact me just in case.

I think of Susan and how hard it must have been for her when she left me, oh yes it still hurts but not because of what she might've done to me but more of what I did to her. I have spoken of her previously and I make it a policy to never hold any hard feelings against them because it only clouds the truth of my own actions. Sometimes we look at someone else's lack of good choices for the purpose of taking the focus off our own and I refuse that fallacy.

Anytime you have to say goodbye, it is so painful. Goodbyes were never easy for me and something major has had to happen for me to use them. It's hard when you promise to be there and support them but I think in times of crisis, there still has to be a give and take and honesty in any relationship. When you realize that you have given too much and recieve too little to replace it, you feel empty and unable to conduct your own life in a productive matter because of the deficit. It's then when you have to make the decision of what is more important but it never soothes you in what you have to walk away from. More times than most, you leave someone in a crisis situation and that is the most painful part of the consequences.

There is no easy answers to these kind of desicions and the effects and consequences are far reaching and destructive. It comes down to value. Trouble is that I value the other person as much or more than me and there safety and security is just as important. Because of the actions of the other party, you are now faced with a choice that really shouldn't been a choice in the first place.

Life, funny what it serves you sometimes and the bill you get for the meal afterwards.

The Difficulty Of The Easy Decisions

2005-02-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to one of my friends a few days ago and although things have been a bit unsure since. Any time we have to do this there are emotional consequences to it but those fade with time. I have always been very resilient in that way. I have always looked at adversity as a means to grow as opposed to suppressing it. I figure that sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want for something we need and through this I will be provided for.

What do I think of this situation or the other person? Sometimes people don't get along with the best efforts and it is far better just to walk away without lowering yourself to anger or retribution. I was tempted in how I would write my final message to her so I decided to walk away from this until I could keep a civil tongue. When we hurt, the first impulse is to hurt the other person as they have hurt us and then call it the truth. I choose to treat this person as a human being and although we are not talking and that probably won't change, I owe her the respect for the contributions she has made to me as a person.

The deadliest weapon we have is our tongue because the words we say with it can literally kill a person. I think there has been enough of that and so I choose to walk away and let her believe what she will. I think she isn't getting the real picture of me but is it worth the time to try to convince her otherwise or just let her alone with her beliefs? I think people have to have an open mind about things and if they don't, nothing you will say will convince them otherwise.

I think there is a big difference between hearing someone and listening. Listening is a more involved process because it implies understanding the concept that is trying to be explained. Hearing is a very passive activity without the element of trying to understand. I think people hear you more often than they listen. Maybe it is out of obligation that they feel they must but I think if you are only going to hear me, then I need to move to greener pastures and to someone that will invest the time to listen and understand.

Some people will get the gist of this blog, others will not but I stand behind the process of it. I think because of my style of writing and reason is advanced, it will be hard to understand. Just because we can't understand something doesn't necessarily make it wrong but some would beg to differ with me.

I wish her well but there comes a time when our best efforts aren't enough and you have to agree to disagree. Will we ever reconcile? I think it's better if we don't to keep our personal views and beliefs intact. It's funny how we can become so convinced of our own righteousness or superiority that we try to convince others of it, I am guilty of it. People will be people and they are individuals so they will have their own views. Leave them alone and understand that they will answer to them eventually, including me.

Quiet Considerations

2005-02-18T01:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel a deepening sadness but also a real enthusiasm for the future. I realize that often times when people grow, they do so in different directions. I don't think in the right or wrong of that direction but it being a natural part of growth. I think sometimes we need to close some chapters in our lives to prepare the way to explore the newer chapters.

I have been in a desperate struggle to hold on to what is safe and secure because I fear once I let go, I will have nothing else to hang on to. As I have indicated in earlier post, I lack faith and it is hard to obtain. It's far better for me to prove the existence of something then have faith to know it is there without proof. Do you call that kind of behavior a curse or a blessing?

I think it is all rooted in the mad season. I found I had to question everything because the truth of my reality was never established. I need to understand that this body is flawed but does that nullify the existence of belief or a choice in that belief. A human being's senses are so fragile but many hold to that fragileness for truth. We take advantage that those senses will always and correctly serve us reality and the truth but sadly we are fooled as much as our senses are. Those lesson are painful to learn and they are forever burned into my understandings. I think the only time I knew reality correctly is when I began to question it. In the process, it has tarnished my ability to have faith. I have grown tired of trying to show others that part of me, In their anchored reality, they deny the existence of mine.

I joke about it quite often to appear as if it was another day in a life but the scars are there and well hidden. Humor brings a human quality to something that I think is far less than that. I guess it is my way to effectively cope. I gave up on therapists a long time ago because I have to step up to manage this myself. The doctors are there just to make sure I have medication.

Have you really studied a psychiatrist more then he studies you? I have found very few that look the least bit interested in me as a person. I think that is the most dehumanizing part of it, to know there is so much to you than a set of symptoms on a chart and this human being across from you doesn't take any time to recognize it. I think that is why I don't like numbers because those same numbers are being imposed on me and attempt to define me as a person. Now of course there is that principle that a medical professional must keep his objectivity to make a correct diagnosis but it treats the illness and not the person with the illness.

A Reason For Reason

2005-02-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

Just returned from 4 days of visiting family from out of town and once again my faith is strengthened. It's nice to know that where there is family that is less than civil, there is just as many that rebuke that standard. This is not to imply other are less than but I think they should give a deeper thought and consideration to their present position. Can't be too careful with that dangerous pride.

I think my desicion to change my mindset towards other members of the family is starting to bear very sweet fruit. Lets be honest, would you rather be around someone that can strike the balance of give and take or someone that just takes. I had believed that my image with family was hopelessly tarnished but last night showed progress. I think if you place yourself in a position where you expect someone to save you from yourself, then it is much like crying wolf. You can be sure the process works but it is a limited time offer and once expended, you are left as you were before you started crying. It is funny that when that happens, it is then you really need someone there.

I'm gonna to try my hand at writing lyrics, My Uncle has been toying with recording for some time and I heard this piece of music that he had written that struck a creative chord. I asked him for a copy of the composition and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. It's nice to be inspired but it's a pain to commit it to paper before the thought fades. I have a family that is musically inclined. Kinda wish I would've jumped on that myself but I'm happy putting the words to the music. I like the blessing to collaberate afforts. I think through those efforts creates work that is multi dimentional.

I found a kindred spirit in the family, he likes poetry and writing as I do and so I look forward to compare our works. I think that kind of networking and communication tends to strengthen relationships.

Tonight I am feeling pretty positive about the state of family. I think you have to be able to take the bad as well as the good. I think a sugar coated family would be nice but then again it would make for a boring one. Have you ever noticed that the grass always seems greener on the other side? I think it's an illusion to hide how unhappy we are and the unwillingness to work for something better. Isn't it easier to wish for happieness than to work for it?

The Eyes Have It

2005-02-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Reality, Perception, Expectation, Conclusion. It gets complicated to stay on the same page with those things sometimes. In a deeper sense are we the masters of it or do they quietly and profoundly control us? It's a odd topic to write about but the whole point of this to explore those things, to keep our place in the universe we must constantly question it. For some it is hard for them to believe that our senses can show us so much more than the truth, I know. It's hard to keep the line between what we can appropriately question and those things that require faith. The assumption is always that if we can't trust one part of our experience then it invalidate the rest of it. I say trust is earned through your interaction with that thing or person you wish to develop trust in.

It would've been nice to take a person's word that they can be trusted but today we don't value the spoken word much anymore. Kinda of odd how we can ask for trust for just enough time to figure out how to violate it. Everything has progress to a point that everything has to be on paper now. I think that is sure sign of a civilization's decline. People judge the end of the world by the larger and seemingly prophetic events. Earthquakes, War and rumors of wars, Famines and Pestilences but I think our eventual downfall is in the simple sins. I think it can be compared to the Domino Theory. Let me explain. As one domino is tipped every successive one is also tipped but it always starts with that first domino, So my question to you is what was the first domino in our eventual fall? If we are dedicated to political correctness and truth, we could take a big step to identify our own small sins that perpetuate the bigger ones. Is it time itself that increases and perpetuates our own illusion of superiority. An interesting spin is that man defined the measure of time and God simply calls his time eternity and seems to get along ok with that concept.

I have said that if man never learned to use numbers, we would live far longer than we do. Problem is that numbers have their place but when they are utilized to measure a man's worth, condition or position then I think they violate a human being and sells them for far less than what they are actually worth. If we have numbers to describe a man or a woman then why dig any deeper to expose their true value. As I have claimed in previous posts, the smaller a number is the more manageable it becomes and accepted. Most of our smaller numbers are really simplifications of what that number really represents in it's unsimplified form. If numbers is used to correctly represent man and his state then why do we utilize them to justify giving him less than what he has earned or deserve? You see it all the time. If you mishandle a cup of hot coffee then you too can earn the princely sum of 250,000 dollars. I wonder what her actual damages were. If I was to burn myself with a cup of coffee then I would be out an afternoon at a emergency room and insurance would take care of me. I would leave with a lesson to be more careful with my coffee. With all my thinking about this, I can't come up with any figures that even come close to her settlement. Being creative once more, I would tell every restaurant this person's name and make it consequence that she could no longer grace any restaurant anywhere. If this person can't handle a hot cup of coffee then I wouldn't even trust her with plastic spoons and forks.

What ever became to accepting responsibility for your actions and choices or have we assigned numbers to that as well?

The Salvation Of Whole Milk

2005-02-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests, I sitting at my computer with a glass of Whole Milk, I had to give up the Pepsi habit awhile back so milk is my drink of choice nowadays. I endorse Sprite, 7UP, Ginger Ale and Herbal Tea. Caffiene and me don't work well together so I had to give it a pink slip. Anyway, you could have the lousiest day but when you get in touch with the simple things, the rest of the day becomes a memory you soon forget. I love the simple things and I really think in our over simplification of life we make it harder.

Things at ENTP.com are shaky at best, because of a few emails from members of the group, I've decided to put my decision on hold. I still believe my 15 minutes are past in this respect. Problem is while the other members are discussing things that really don't edify me, I want information that is is going to perpetuate my life in it's actions and desicions. I am not saying this kind of information has no merit but I think there comes a time where you have to ask how this information is going to make you a better person.

People are going to people and I realize that my goals are not their goals. The best I can offer is a human point of view. I have tried to answer posts that I had no earthly idea what was being discussed. It makes you look pretty stupid to the others and trust me, they figure it out very quickly. The one thing I have give these people credit for is that they can sense when are try to fake your way through a topic. They are extremely perceptive and that makes them also impossible to pull the wool over their eyes. One member in a reply to me had challenged me to find out why I required replies to my posts and I take my challenges seriously. Do I want someone to answer me because I need that validation to my contribution? Honestly? Yes! Now comes the introspection to why. At my core, I would like to think I am important and it's nice to hear it once in a while. These posts are just a set a sentences to them and they know me only by that. I think I put too much value in it really.

I think in this, I have been clammoring for the wrong thing. It's these situation that further define what you truly value but I think we go through that process from birth to burial. It's not a control issue for me but I enjoy seeing that someone has taken the time to write and say they have read and understood but maybe that's asking too much. I think the better way is to realize internally that what has been written by me is something substantial because it is uniquely mine. I think I need to work on realizing my own personal value and if I establish that, I wouldn't need the praise of others to feel good about myself.

Yes, that Whole Milk can really can get that creative machine in high gear and it's nice to able to look at things rationally without the emotionalism to cloud your judgement. While the world sleeps and keeps turning, I just sit back with my Milk and let it go for the night. My Best Friend told me once "He who fights and run s away, lives to fight another day." Tonight it is Milk and Me and I couldn't be more content.

The Noble Act

2005-02-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

As I suspected, I got my answer tonight about the ENTP forums. In those situations the first impulse is to spread alot of bad karma and sling mud at those you believed to have hurt you. I think this is a classic example of what we can and can't do. You can say so many things but in the end these are people just like you and weather they are ENTP or not, they are human beings and should be handled in that fashion. I think it was better to walk away with some dignity and respect for myself and them.

We evolve in life and those things that once sustains us, sometimes restrains us and we have to move forward. The move isn't to declare how less they are or how much more I am. It isn't a surrender but a realization. I think it is far better to part in a respectful way and agree to disagree. I think we become so convinced of how correct we are that we try to convince others of it and save them from themselves. What an arrogant way to control others.

I would be lying if I said I didn't cry or that I wasn't upset. I think it is a normal reaction to rejection but I walk away so much richer to know these people. They have taught me much. I was beginning to feel that our exchanges asked more questions than it answered and I think question are good but there comes a time when you have to find something that actually sustains life and not the questions you place in it.

In my beliefs, sometimes things are taken away to prepare room for other things that are more important to learn or have. It's so easy how we can stagnate and be happy in it. I knew there would only be a small season at this forum so you hang on to that 15 minutes and get the most you can out of it and then gracefully let it pass to someone else. I think it is hard for us to let go and I think it is in the fear and uncertainty of our future that propels us to be selfish as we are with it. I believe the letting go is far more productive than the tight grasp of it. Our greatest lesson is one of futility and know it is better to let go but a lesson few learn without the scars it leaves.

I have my blog and I will still communicate my thoughts and perceptions here but I will miss those that contributed to my understandings. There might me more words to or for them but today it is on to the next chapter and its lessons. There is an excitement within me of what will I learn next and how it will benefit me and ultimately others. Let the journey begin.

I call these people friends and still consider them that way and wish them the greatest gifts for their future endevours. It is a noble act from one human to another.

The Hunger

2005-02-04T05:59:00.000-07:00

I hadn't much in the way of food since Monday, because of an act of irresponsible employee, food has been scarce. As I had mentioned before, I thrive on challenge and adversity. Now I have hunger beyond what food can provide. Adversity tempers our character and sharpens our will to survive. This period has taught me to bless my hunger and be thankful for those things I am blessed to have. This period is temporary and after the refiner's fire and forging of his hammer on my soul, my hunger will be quenched and satisfied. I have seen the value of being able to take care of my own and the work needed to do it. I don't pray on my knees but I pray. It has been the constant conversation I have that has strenghtened me. I never thought I could fast because I was convinced of my weakness to do so but I think through this experience, I have learned.

Tonight, I am still imperfect but one lesson closer. I remember all the times when I defeated myself in my own thoughts. It was never God that betrayed me, I betrayed myself in the expectation that life could deliver no more than the sad state I was in. I decided to journal this as an inspiration to those that might read and be troubled. Adversity must call to action a greater dedication and strength to see it to it's conclusion or it causes a self pity and emotional lethargia that cripples our spirit. It is one small victory and many might laugh at its lessons but as long as I learn and I have the strength to record it to inspire any or all of you then it makes the lesson worth it.

I don't find a neccessity to talk to many about these things. There is one in the family that will bring her struggle to its conclusion this month. I have internalized my own issues to a state where nobody else could match my suffering but many do. This is a silent tribute to a Aunt that has struggled far more than I and has maintained a faith along the way. This month she will be a recipient of a donor kidney. What a sacrifce for one person to provide another, it is a humbling experience and it renews my faith in the generousity and genuine caring in one another. If this dear Aunt of mine should ever read this, I thank her for her patience and understanding in me and her willingness to help me through many events I would've had difficulty doing myself. There are many that share my admiration and I will get around to write my tributes and memories they have instilled in me. I think we need to remember our roots and who has been there. I keep the memories, no matter how painful, as a vivid reminder of where I have been so I avoid those paths that have alienated me from Family, Friends and my Heavenly Father . Someone much wiser than I said "He who doesn't remember the past is condemed to repeat it." So the memories keep me warm but more importantly, aware.

I still fail to understand why with this wealth of talents and widom that we choose the chasms over the bridges. We opt for indignation over inspiration. We crave insurrection over communication. It is an odd lot for our family but it is their choice that makes it so. Maybe they are as hungry as me and have decided to live with the emptiness. Someone once termed it as spiritual starvation and I think it says it all. Funny how a few words can bring a concept to reality and give it a life of its own. You figure the few words would be understandable but sadly for them, it isn't.

The Work That Makes It Work

2005-02-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

A very trying day for me, It's one of those day that it is so easy to lose faith in people, places and the states that they're in. The one blessing I can count on is that no matter how difficult things might be, they are temporary and it prepares me for something greater. Adversity strengthens my resolve to continue and overcome. It's these kind of situations that throws my mind into creative overdrive.

Adversity really keeps you sharp and on your toes because it teaches you that if things are getting too comfortable then you are not learning. Mind you I didn't say I enjoyed the process but I enjoy the lessons it provides. There is a possibility of work soon and I pray that it comes through. I have a lot of services that help now but it doesn't quench my desire for more. The one most single regret I have is believing the lie that Social Security will provide and to maintain that belief for the amount of time I have. Here is another situation where you get an answer and decide to try it your way instead. Someone very close to me once said that work provides our salvation and he also said that if I committed to working, weather it be emotional, physical or spirtual, I would find most of my issues would solve themselves. I think you can hear those things but you have to be prepared to listen to it. Nice to be able to tuck this away until I was ready to listen to it but I wonder why it took so long for me to finally get the point?

Right at this moment, I'm tired of placing my desicions in the hands of another and being happy with it but I have been here before. I really feels like I'm picking up where I left off before I moved in with my parents. Living on my own has a bittersweet taste to it and there are a lot more responsibilities to it but with those demands comes more freedom with it. As for family, I get to talk to them from time to time but I talk mostly to the silence now. Think of it this way, if you should have an arguement with yourself, you always win.

I have family due into Phoenix in the next few weeks so I will enjoy that a lot. I sounded pretty gruff on my last post but I get tired of the constant backbiting. I believe that if your don't get along with someone, then don't and leave them alone. With our family it seems different in that respect. Party "A" will say or do something to offend party "B" then party "B" will decide to not only to respond in kind but up the ante and offend party "A" more. I wonder if they have a mathematical formula they use for that. This process is perpetuated with each verbal volley and each side tries to out offend the other. Before you know it, they are not on speaking terms but they still insist on having the last word. Isn't it enough damage that they don't speak and then they must add insult to injury. To me, life is way too short for the trivial stuff but since this is my outlet for these things, I don't mind writing about it. Hopefully if just one person can see how infantile and inmature this is, maybe the ones who need to listen will but that is wishful thinking.

I think I'm going to carve my internet activities down further. I think some of the forums I belong too is wasting too much time and not producing nothing but frustration for me. Forums are nice to contribute to but I prefer a face to face communication because you get the whole picture. All you have in forums is words and sometimes they don't carry the message well. I am very uncomfortable with being around other people but I think being social is a learned response and practice makes perfect. The thing I get from others is that because people are an ENTP personality type, they are excused from treating people with dignity and courtesy. I believe that an ENTP has a harder time at socialization with people outside their personality type but I think we as ENTP's need to stretch beyond our own percieved limitations. If we are so dedicated to learning the ultimate truth, we should start with the people surrounding us because our truth isn't in a book of facts and figures that men write, it is in each other. Each of us carries the wealth of our own universe and every universe is as diverse and different as the next so by sharing our own universe we edify another's. It is because of this ideology that I think my time at ENTP.org is swiftly coming to an end. Some mysteries are not meant to be discovered and discussed, they are for God's eyes only. I would rather know something that would benefit man's place in the cosmos then question his place in it. Questions are good if the answer can be appiled to better those around you and yourself but to question just to produce more questions and the answer is never realized, that seems counter productive. Answer the questions you can and have enough faith to realize that the unanswered questions will be reveal in time.

I think to be a productive human being, we have to believe in a higher power, mine happens to be God but he has many names he is addressed by. Many would disagree with my analysis but it has served me well over the long term. I will question but man has got to know his limitations and I think I have a firm grip on mine

It's Not Easy Being Green

2005-02-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

As I had mention earlier about the continuing family issues back on the home soil and I must say I am fighting the temptation to take a peek at it. Being someone that enjoys the challenge of solving other people's issues. it is quite an effort to walk away from the present politics. I wonder what would lead a person away from common sense? We train for the better part of our lives to be responsible and contributing citizens and yet in a fit of emotionalism and pride we are lured so easily away from it. What would be so bad that we must hate one another even if it is our own brothers and sisters.

These are questions I would love to answer but the truth might embarrass those involved so maybe I should let them play to their heart's content. It is actually pretty funny how they are acting and why. I like the idea of just sitting back, take notes and enjoy the show. I could then write these things in a book and sell a million copies. I know it is evil but out of every conflict should have a happy ending and if they don't want it then I will gladly accept it.

It's funny how we can manipulate language nowadays. If you desire a pure language, try latin. In all fairness, words are still pure but man's loose structure of them are to blame. I miss our cursing jar, everytime we had cursed it was a 25 cent donation. The idea fizzled out way beyond its time though and I'm not sure who got the spoils but I didn't get a damn dime..... opps did I just say that?

Just because I'm feeling creative tonight, here is how we should solve this dilemma. Since this situation has silly written all over it, I propose a silly solution. I think we should have a pie fight and with every successful hit, that person thowing should be allowed one sentence to say to their opponent. No complex sentences allowed or any swearing, also they shouldn't talk about what someone else thinks. That would be gossip. One would take one turn at a time to their opponent. Now if they miss, they lose their chance to say something. Now since most of what is being said is a bunch of crap anyway, lets make these pies out of manure. Now since freedom isn't really free they both must clean up the mess. OK, here is the points scale, anything below the neck is one sentence but if you are lucky enough to get one of these things in the face, you get three. Remember that the ears are on the head and since most of the crap we hear goes to ears first then it is only right that head shots have higher points. Now the players in this should be stationary and facing each other because If you are going to sling this crap at them you should at least face them and say it to their face. I would figure about 10 feet from each other would do it. I think to raise the element of silly, let us assign cheerleaders to each side. I think these kinda situations divide the family anyway so what better way to show your support then be a cheerleader for the side you have chosen. I just hope they have skirts in a men's size just in case. What do they win? Hopefully they will be doubled over in laughter that they will make up. If they don't then it provides a good show to others and a demonstration on how this crap really gets started. As in any situation like this there is really no winners.

OK family of mine, do you get the message? You can't convince me that something is so bad that you must disown or hate someone for it. If we are concieved and raised in love what is so difficult in perpetuating what is already there. Since I'm a caring individual, I assign myself as a referee but since it is just as easy to stop this yourself, you don't really need me, do you? I have to admit it is a nice twist to the swearing jar.

The Axe To The Tree

2005-01-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have opened my heart to write. Getting to the website is a fairly simple process but it is always the question of what to say when I get there. I have always believe that something must touch me personally before I can expect it to touch others in the same fashion. I think that ideology makes what I write meaningful to others as well as myself. The most important part of any public document, as a blog, is to keep eye to eye with those that read it. That is a tall order but my answer is not figuring out what they want to hear but one of what would I would like to hear from them.

I have some ideas in the works to tidy up my place in cyberspace. First, I plan to rewrite all previous entries and give them the spelling and punctuation they need. An idea or concept must be able to be understood to be listened to, that being as it is, there is a lot of errors that need to be corrected. I have been so used to just write without stopping just to get the concept down but after reading the older entries, I couldn't understand my own writings at times. There is a few entries that doesn't really do anything for me and so those will either be cropped for content or omitted completely. I found that a lot of post tend to emphasize a point more than once and I'm not comfortable with the repetition. The whole point of this is to present an idea and not to beat you over the head with it.

The second idea is to include more personal aspects of my life. I feel comfortable with this blog enough to allow pictures and poetry to my visitors. There are those websites that I grace often and endorse, So those things will be a part of this grand experiment of mine.

Third and lastly, part of editing the present entries is to to keep the spirit of how the post is written but to remove those elements that seem to attack others. I would keep them if they were at least listened to but in reality, I am just another opinion in a sea of billions more. I don't opologize for my views but feel they need to presented in a more politically correct manner. The object here is for people to read this and gain the understanding of the concepts presented.

As for life beyond my plans with this blog, What I see everyday always seems to center around value. No matter how diverse we are, it is always value that binds us together. The question that always comes to me is with all these infomercials claiming there secrets to making money, has that become so important today that we forget how to treat ordinary people? Money is a construct of man, it is a means to provide for life's necessities while we are here. I can't help but believe how we measure the worth of a man by the money and luxuries he has aquired as a mortal. Mortality is a limited time offer and whatever we have aquired in this estate will become utterly useless in the next. I have always believed that it is our experiences in this life that dictate our experience in the next.

You will have all sorts of conflicting veiwpoints but my task here is to tell you my beliefs with the hope it will get you to consider your own lives. Well my work is done today and I thank you for your time to read these thoughts of mine. Truth and knowledge is infectious and so I hope in that sense you are.

The Blessings Of No

2005-01-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and the first notion was to thank my friend from saving me from a situation that would've compromise our friendship surely. I wasn't embarrassed at the question and glad she had the understanding she did about the it. I think it was a natural transition from being shy and reserved to finally expressing what I had always thought about. Like I have said, honesty comes in stages and degrees and we are not blessed with the whole picture right away. I really thought after asking her that the only thing that I would make contact with was a right hook! We talked tonight and she was very cool about it. I respect her more for saying no than if she would've said yes. Although it was no, I gained so much more than I expected, I was surprised.

I think we need friends because they are focused on the concept of your imperfection and are more understanding of it. Families are more supportive but less sympathetic. They can be more demanding of you, it is an unwritten expectation. I think families lack the tolerance friends have an abundance of. This is based in the assumption that they are well established friends. Friendship is often deployed to manipulate things from those they befriend. That has been my greatest challenge to learn the difference. I have been so innocent in that way. We live in a world that weakness and defenseless is an opportunity. I'm in this state only because by being vulnerable it allows someone to know me better that having my defenses up. Even I have had to give into protecting myself and being more selective of who I call friends.

I haven't sat down to do my New Year's Resolutions but in my thought's I want to concentrate on working exclusively. I like to repair computers at home but it has come to a point that altough it is gainful in knowledge and experience, it is falling short of helping me pay off my debts and perpetuate my recovery. Aside from those I work with presently, I will place this aside.

As for college, it is a distant option for me. I want an education surely but I think in order for me to really dedicate myself to an education I have to learn be able learn to complete things and stick with them. Now of course, these little gems of wisdoms were provide by those around me that I have asked them for. It takes time for me to ingest this and now after I have tried my way unsuccessfully, I'm left with their suggestion. I am a hard learner like that, I ask for advice and I am given it but I keep it warm while I tried my own variations. It might frustrate those that have taken their time to counsel me, I think I would be if I was them. That's is the hardest part for me, trust. I have had to really force myself to listen more and trust in the fact that the advice is based in experience, experience I lack.

I have also started to move away from asking for advice unless I have no option but to. I think asking for advice is great but I think I ask because I either have the expectation that they will step forward to save me from myself or to just complain without the real desire to change. Both of these states wastes a lot of time and not just mine. I think to respect a person you have to unconditionally respect every aspect of them and their lives. I think that includes their time, they have the same 24 hours I do.

Building The Perfect Beast?

2005-01-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

I've come to learn that for every success there is a failure and it strikes a careful balance. I am learning that in a world we clamor control of, we are masters of just one kingdom, our own. We are the center of our our universe. Sometimes we reach beyond that universe to find an orbit in someone else's. Sometimes we do but most times we wander as the comets. We have a long range path but we wander far to establish it. Nature has many lesson and it has always amazed me how something so inhuman can bring us closer to our humanity. Nature has had an order that has transcended thousands of our generations and it remains a constant. Where does it leave the human race? Still questioning and ignoring the answers to them. Again I have told a woman I feel close to of my feelings and this time I felt more respect for her to just let her walk away. There could be millions of reasons why but it still remained her choice. It was hard to say the words telling her that she didn't have to go home tonight but sometimes we have to place our hearts in a defenseless position. We ache from the rejection but as I have said, we adapt and I will. Fear is one of those things that paralyzes you or perpetuates you but It must be conquered. Someone much more wiser than I said that we weather we win or lose, we will prevail. Success is something that must be earned in our sweat, blood and toil. If this wasn't so we couldn't respect its blessing. Success has one defining moment but is defined differently by individuals. There is so much to define our values with others and ourselves. Our characters are tempered by forces internal and external. I assure there is order in the anarchy but We are short sighted and we view just a piece or two of the eternal puzzle. With an imperfect existance comes all the consequences to that. I've learned that I must support those that require it but I must leave their consequences alone. Love is define in empowering someone to learn those things they must. By accepting those consequences, there is no motivation to learn. I want these people to learn to fish as opposed to provide it for them. The hardest thing is knowing that someone is hurting and that you can take it away but in that moment you also know if you do, you are defeating the grander purpose for their adversity. I have no regret in my words to my friend and although she walked away, I walk away stronger and more confident. I taste the bitterness but it is sweet in the respect that one day I will ask the same and they will stay. She might even come back but that is the words from a dreamer and a fool. I will welcome her but this must be a decision she must make without any intervention on my part. My silence is my strongest defense and statement I can make. If her ears deny this then it is a choice she has made and I will respect it. I will still provide her assistance and be her friend. Sometimes pain must teach us love. When we hurt it is there to remind us that our paths are not straight and we have to move forward while remembering how the pain affected us. We are brought to a rememberance of the consequence of our choices and the challenges of our adversities. Take care all.

Do we ever see the rain?

2005-01-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

The Internet, friend or foe? I think the more important question is that if man is friend or foe to the internet. Technology is on the upswing but does man progress at the same excellerated pace? I have viewed and listened to my extended family fight about one thing or another and each claiming how right they are. How sad for them. I think pride defines right and wrong in our hearts and pride can convince us of many things but it can't convince us of the truth. I heard called many things but it always has one result, hate and indifference. I remember a time when things were more civilized. There was this park in Upper Sandusky, Ohio that we would have a family reunion every year. I miss those times because that one day we laid our differences aside and became family in the purest sense. Those days are faded and fogotten memory and it seems we have found a replacement in the constant and unrelentless fighting. It's a cheap imitation I must admit, I would even say it isn't even a close replacement but we accept it gladly. In their own sense of justice they miss the definition entirely. I guess that is the division between justice and retribution but we call it the same thing don't we? Funny how we can distort the english language and call it the truth eh? What is my take on this? Too much Sugar and Caffiene, PMS, wrong type of sedatives, cheap matress set, Jerry Springer was cancelled that day, Stubbed their toes, Missed their favorite soap opera, the standard he said-she said and finally my favorite, Because they just felt like it. I guess we could use all these to expain our actions but it would never tell the truth. I think we make a choice to engage in these very silly scrimmages and then rationize it off to something else. It makes so much more emotionally palitable if we can blame others for the consequences of our own decision making. Yep I think that's it. They will someday read this and I will be chastised by saying to me we still love each other. Does pain and love supposed to exist in the same space? I mean by saying we love each other does it provide the license to purposely, and with the intention to harm others, cause them pain. They might convince themselves but it would be a hard sell for me. I have but one dream tonight, I hope our favorite park is still in bloom and we can one day visit it once more but the park is always in my mind everyday and it's spirit and message is ever present. Has that spirit been lost on others, probably but in our day of death we are always brought back to it's lessons. In death we only long for just one thing, to be as close to those people as we once were. The harsh reality is that time doesn't permit it and death will hold us to remember it's consequences. That is the sadest of all consequence I think. To know you will leave those that you have maintained a grudge with and now with your last breath, you can never correct it. I think no matter how we rationize and justify our sins, they are our ours eternally and our creator will not listen to our weak reasoning of it. I am not perfect but I try desperately hard to make the strides everyday to be so. I leave these words as a testement of my love for family and regardless of their reaction, my love is a constant and through loving and understanding them, I have learned a love for myself.

Time In A Bottle

2005-01-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

It is a shame to rant and at this time of the year where there is so much going on then your own existance but I fashion this blog for my thoughts and with the understanding that it isn't always going to be positive. My biggest pet peeve to date is someone wasting my time. Some believe that just because I'm not working presently mean that my time is not as important. I have the same 24 hours as these people and I don't think it is a matter of amounts but just respecting me enough to respect the time I set aside for them. In my anger comes a new understanding. We are adaptive and I am, I think with the new year there must be new priorities. I've decided that I have to let those that have offended me alone to their hearts desire and bond to those that respect me enough to have the same in my efforts towards them. I've decided to work for the time being, college will always be there but I think I need to learn a work ethic. To have the ability to live up to the expection of being at a place at a certain time and be productive for them for the expected time. college will be there when I am prepared for it. On a kinder note, this year has been a discovery on a personal level. The wind and rain of the mad season now gives way to the clear and sunny skies. The challenges still are many but my fears of a future is lessened if not disappeared. There are a few that weren't so lucky and in their blinding truth they refuse to see it still. As a matter of fact my sister is one. Which raises the question of what does a person need to lose before they realize how much they've lost. Our pride convinces us of so much but never the truth. I can only offer this one comfort for her, when she has lost it all, she will gain everything. Kinda odd how we can value the wrong things and call them right but adversity is the force that changes our values and tempers our character. I hope for her that the wait for her awakening is short. I've clocked about 20 years waiting for mine, it doesn't seem like much but then again the smaller the number the more manageable it becomes for a human being. To put it in perspective for those that are into numbers. It is 1024 weeks, 7300 days, 175,200 hours, 10,512,000 seconds. It's my hope that my sister sees this and realize that time always progresses and what we decide to value in that time is our choice and every choice has a consequence. Time allows the consequences but never gives us credit for them. She did mention that she realizes the price but that is an easy concept and quite palatable to our emotional states but we never consider the amount. We never consider how much it comes to when once handed the bill for our price, we bargain it but time won't be cheated nor undersold. I am far from a saint but this year is a start. Again there are so many to thank for my life's construction and weather friend or foe, each has contributed a lesson and brushstoke to my life's canvas. thanks all for the last year and many blessings for the next year.

A Thought For The Asking

2004-12-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hello Everybody,
The move went very well considering the circumstances. Yesterday was very productive but sobering at the same time. Now that the newness of the move has faded into memory, I need to focus on getting back to college. Taking a year off was a neccessity but now I am recharged and ready to finish what I started. Privacy and freedom is a great blessing I savor now and I want to use that to excel in other plans I put on hold. There are still alot of loose ends remaining but they will be taken care of. I hope everyone's holiday was a awesome as mine. This will be the second Thanksgiving without my Father but I think he was allowed a peek at it and he enjoyed it. Let me see, now comes the thought provoking section. I thought about wealth this season. I am a man that believes in value. It ironic how we sell our health for wealth. Once we lose the blessing of our health, we have to spend our wealth to restore it. Don't get me wrong, wealth is a great thing but I think we really need to be introspective about what we clamor as wealth. Me personally, I like to enjoy wealth of friends, family and principle. Money is one of those things that is so transitory and temporary to me. It's nice to pay the bills but it even nicer to value those things that you can't purchase with money. Well everybody, take care all and remember this one thing: With the industrialization and commercialization of Christmas, take time to remember that someone sacrifice so that you may be. You might think of your God, Parents and Servicemen but the truest expression of the holiday is not really the birth of those people but the sacrifice they made for you. I think it doesn't take alot to sacrifice for others that they may enjoy those things that you have. I would vote for Christmas 365 days a year just to retain the spirit the season creates and the peace it provides. Happy holidays everybody!!!!

Emotions In Motion

2004-11-15T03:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a night of tears but I know after the tears come the smiles. As I had said, crying is so cleansing for me emotionally and I enjoy every chance I get. Tonight I realized that no matter how honest we think we are with ourselves and others, there is always a new level of honesty to achieve. Each painful step exposes a new truth and a new awakening to it. To be honest, It's hard to see where I have been or where I plan to go but there is a calming freedom to see things that way because you realize that whatever you have been dishonest about can be changed. Knowledge is power. I spoke of regret and yes I feel it as well no because of what I could've done but what I shouldn't have done. My regret is not knowing those souls that I have hurt through my actions but more importantantly not be able to find them to opologize. I think I owe them that much. It makes me more mindful of what I say to others because words once spoken can never be taken back. I spoke to a dear friend tonight and this same friend is someone that I had a crush on. People can't grasp the idea that just because I'm 39 doesn't mean emotionally I operate on the same level, again numbers. In the two marriages I have been involved in, I don't think I had the emotional awareness as I have today. I don't mind the growing process from it but I wish it didn't cost the emotions of those around me. Part of my values is through experience and if it is a great teacher, It has taught me well. I learn of my excesses, my selfishness and selfcenteredness. That is why I needed the four years. I feel that love and pain can't share the same space, they are opposites. I wanted to learn the real value of companionship. Marriage is a position of servitude but I have encountered many men that believe that it is too, as long as they are being served. I miss the simple joys of just going to bed and the last thing you see before you go to sleep is your partner's eyes and smile and when you wake, you are welcome to the same pair of eyes and that smile. I miss being with a woman and know that you can drop your defenses and just be who you are and are accepted. I long to find someone I can be totally open and vulnerable and know I am safe in that. I think women don't ask for much, they love the simple things. For all that they do and sacrifice for, couldn't we do just that much. Update: being the next day, things were much better but still the question of what I said to my friend and its impact on her. Kinda contradictory really, the expectation being to be civil to one another but the emotional conditions doesn't support it most of the time. It even more strange how we lose the memory of our words spoken in anger but those who listen remember them well and they hold on to them. Again through my discussions with my friend, I might have said to much or something too little but just as disturbing. Just because a package of anything is small doesn't mean it isn't as destructive as something much larger. Update: It's been about a week and haven't found time to finish this post until today. My best effort sometimes is just getting the concept down until I can expound on it at a later and more convient time. This will be my last entry for a little as I move and reestablish my internet service. I will try to answer and posts you might have but if I don't, please don't take it personally. Things have been busy with last minute moving details and computer repairs. Sleep has been a luxury for the last 4 days but once moved, that will correct itself I'm sure. If I don't make it back online before Thanksgiving, everyone have a safe and happy one. Remember too that during this season the most powerful and destructive weapon you have is your car keys so allow others to enjoy the holiday safely and drink responsibly.

Anticipation

2004-11-08T01:56:00.000-07:00

I am finally moving to an apartment. Life with family has been sweet but there comes a time when you want additional freedoms you don't get by living with them. After the Mustang disaster, It was neccessary to move in with my parents. It was a blessed time because I got to spend some of that time tending to my dying father and I bet in that year Him and Me talk a lifetime's worth. I have to admit I shrinked from it more than once because it becomes difficult to watch someone you love slowly fade and remembering them as someone else, somebody stronger. Death always forces us to examine our own mortality because we are reminded by the event that life is a limited time offer. We examine or own personal values as well, it is a time of deepest reflection of ourselves because one day we will meet death and even the hardest person doesn't want to spend eternity in a place that is much less than the life he has here but selfishness and self-centeredness keeps them for seeing the far reaching consequences of their desicions. We understand the concept of eternity only when we must face it and unprepared for how it is presented to us. Dad and Me had always had our differences but I think it was the combination of my mad season and his upbringing that would cause the communication rift between us. I had never felt the security that I was loved by him or that I could make the grade. Anybody who has been through a mad season can tell you that it tears a family apart at it's core. There is the questions why and the blame but it is an event that doesn't have favorites. A mad season has no perpetrators, just victims. The January before his death, I had taken my new car to show them and Dad was in a very weakened condition. Once inside their trailer, he called me back to his room. In his very weary state he told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I could've demanded a reason why for the years he didn't say this but even though it was just once, It was enough for me. I knew at that moment it wasn't forced, it was honest and that's all I wanted. In our journey, we have to stop from time to time to rest but with the condition that we continue once more. Living with family has provided many blessings but now is the time to continue my own path. I've learned that you have to be able to recognize your true friends. Sadly, there are many who parade as your friends but they have selfish motives for doing so. I've learned you must defend your values adamantly, even if it costs you something that you really want. You have to be able to set boundaries with yourself and others because if you don't then it is assumed you will accept anything, even be taken advantage of. By watching Family, I've gained an idea of how I would like to treated by them and sadly, that isn't well welcomed by them. I've seem them from a vantage point of what they do and how it affects others and I decide that I will treat them differently than the norm. You probably wonder why I don't mention specific names and the reason is simple. This blog is meant for my own personal observations about life around me. The only person I have mentioned in name is Ed Decker and that is meant to challenge him personally to find what he believes without using the shortcomings of others and their religions to establish the truth of it. I consider this an autobiography of sorts and most I've read name specifics to sensationize it enough to keep my interest. While I do have issues with family, they are mine to resolve. I had to decide in advance of starting this blog if it was ever resort to mud slinging and the short and simple is no. I might disagree with many things my family does or will do, they are individuals and permitted the freedom to decide for themselves. Sometimes we become so convinced of our own righteousness that we want to perpetuate it by showing others how wrong they are. There is a right and wrong but as individuals we must answer for those desicions and not one person has a right to impress their idealisms of morality on another. We are all incomplete and flawed human beings and that being said, we aren't qualified for the job of judge, jury or executioner. I have no right to judge but I have the right to appropriately alter how I deal with others and accept them. Sometimes we have to be happy just to agree to disagree. There is such a freedom in that to admit the human condition and accept others that way even though you might disagree with their desicions. Love becomes easy and you become more accepting of yourself that way.

The Wake Up Call

2004-11-06T02:06:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday and I know that it will be one of those awkward days when nothing seems to work to your favor. I can't remember the last time this happened but I know how I got through it, I found ways to laugh without forcing the emotion. Yeah, this can really interrupt the flow of your day but isn't it mindset? I choose that although I feel crummy, I will do and think things that will replace it. Other people might provide the catalyst fo my emotions but I am in control of how I react to it. I put on a warm pair of headphones and some Simon & Garfunkel, pure bliss!! Update: I didn't get accomplished what I had planned but sometimes survival is an accomplishment in and of itself. That's the odd thing about me, I'm a perfessional procrastinator but when the moment of truth arrives, I work well under pressure. Afterwards I kick myself for letting things go to the wire but smile for pulling things together at the last moment. I know some people crumble under the pressure but I thrive on it because it kicks my mind into creative overdrive and that is rush that can't be matched by anything, illegal or not. LOL It always amazes me about the process. I changed the tempo of the music to Aerosmith. Music is considered the universal language because it speaks to our emotions. I guess you could say I speak alot of musical dialects but I never liked to limit myself. I'm a fool for the experience but within reason. There are activities that you really don't require experience to understand the affect it has. It reminds me of a story. I have a friend in Ohio and we have been tight for a long time. He smokes and for one of my birthdays, he presented me with a pack of cigarettes. Winston Menthols I think they were. Never smoked in my life and since my brother and him did, I thought it would be a nice way to fit in. So with a dreamy anticipation I began the pack and didn't make it halfway through. I don't remember being anymore sick then I was at that time, ebola would've been an improvement LOL. So I went to him and the first thing he asked is if I enjoyed the present. In my anger, I gave what was left of the pack to him and proceeded to complain about how sick I had become from them and how awful they were. After the complaining, My friend smiled and said to me " Happy Birthday" and it became clear to me what he had done. Needless to say, after I recovered, He took me to dinner for my birthday. It's those kinda lessons that are forever burned into my memory and ones I appreciate the most. Youth is something that we wish for so often because we regret what we have done in it but I say to you that youth fashion our lives, tempers our character and sharpens our intellect. Enjoy youth and know that it will pass but it causes a greater call and awakening, adulthood. Humans learn more in their failures than there successes. Regret is for those that had the oppertunity to do more with their lives and then decide not to. carpe diem.

Sometimes A Fantasy

2004-11-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

After 4 years of seperation, It's time to release my wife and myself from this marriage. There has been 3000 miles and 4 years of silence that has seperated us. I took 4 years without any romantic intrests to discover myself again and it has been time well spent to do so. I admit there are aspects of it that I miss but sometimes we have to forsake some things to gain others of a greater value. After the divorce is final then I plan to date. It is odd for me because the world still spins and evolve as the people on it do. I'm learning that I have been so uneducated in dating and relationships. I like to read a woman's point of view about it because if you are committed to a woman then she would be the best person to talk to about her wants, needs and desires. Right now I am just reading about it but knowledge can only benefit you if it is implemented and then it becomes wisdom. I think sometimes we have to lower our pride and defenses to admit our weaknesses and take that and make strengths of them. I've searched the Internet to find general dating advice and It's odd how things like that blossom into new opertunities. I have made a desicion to publish more about me in the form of poems at www.poetry.com and I also now post at www.ENTP.com . I know this might open a pandora's box but I think it will challenge me to further understand you. I know there will be those that will not see this as a blessing but an opertunity to build themselves up by lowering me but the world is made of all sorts and you have to go through alot of failure to reach the successes. I think we fear that process but we also limit what we learn by giving into that fear. I think fear is the adversary's tool to control his subjects, there are things worth fear but I think we need to carefully anaylze what we fear and why. My intellectual garden has been pruned for today, take care of yourselves and more importantly, each other (Sorry Jerry!)

The Art Of War?

2004-11-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

Ah! another election year is amongst us once more and I bet just a few wonder what's on my mind about it. I think this whole issue of terrorism is going to be key. A interesting concept war is. I can't quite fathom a civil outcome with something so uncivilized. We must make rules for war though to give the illusion that we control war and that it has no control on us. The sad fact is we declare war on anything we don't agree with or understand. Me Unamerican? Naw, I cherish my freedom enough to want our servicemen to come home to the same. Kinda odd about the Iraqis though, they crave freedom but they act in a manner that doesn't warrant it. I find it hard to swallow that our American soldiers pay with with their blood to provide a country their freedom. You don't hear much about Iraqi soldiers being killed in action but the body count of americans continue to escalate. I have to be a little selfish here, I think if the Iraqis want freedom they should offer the same sacrifices as we have made. I think they will cherish it more. Freedon is a right but also must be earned in its degree of it. I don't understand them in terms of values. In my frame of mind, God created mankind in his own image and we were admonished to populate the earth he created for us. I think we have the freedom of choice but always with consequences. I think a freedom doesn't provide the justification of it being right. That being understood, the Iraqis believe themselves right and justified to take a life God has created. God is so much more than us on so many levels and yet we feel ourselves above him to decide the beginning and ending of life, arrogant? yes!! I think part of the problem is that we sterilize the concept of death. Aside from the religious implications it has, we want to convert this very painful event to an everyday event. I also believe that we don't value death because we do the same for life so it becomes easy to rationalize it and we feel better about it. We are a generation that want things as painless and uncomplicated as possible but by doing so we weaken ourselves to it's actual condition. Adversity is the greatest teacher we have and it keeps us sharp. By softening the event, we don't have to work so hard to overcome it. The whole human condition must be exercised and without that we are not as able to handle the real difficult situations. I enjoy the challenges to think and feel in real life terms, I love the whole spectrum of feelings to it. I think pain is there to remind us of how great painlessness is. I love to cry because it is such a emotional cleansing event for me. Kinda odd how we raise boys to men and do so under the understanding that emotions are not included in that. We must be able to balance one extreme with another. So who will I vote for? I prefer a government that isn't political and we measure the worth on a man on his political preferance. I would like just one to stand with no political affiliation at all but values that we once had. I will vote because that is my civic duty to but I'm not impressed with the selection I must choose from. Not one canidate actually excels in my book. So who is with me to vote for Bart Simpson? I think if we are going to wallow in anarchy, get someone that will lead us into this grand illusion and know how to get us there.

Frankenstein: Part Deux

2004-10-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

The soothing melodies of piano music fills my ears tonight and I'm centered. It's been a great day because I spent it with a great friend. There are so few in my social circle that I can trust with intelligent conversation without judgement. It's those moments that revive your faith in the human race. It serves to remind me that it is through interaction that blossoms communication and from that brings understanding. I thought about computers today and feel blessed to be able to grasp an understanding of them. There is this nameless feeling when you can purchase totally unrelated parts and bring them together as a working whole. I've always like to experiment like that and to find ways to build a better mousetrap. I think I have been blessed in that way because it sharpens my ability to think things through to solve problems. It provides me the chance to develop a logical structure in my thought processes. My computer is something I hold a great deal of pride in because it has been a tool for trying new ideas. I built it myself and care for it in the same way. It's nice to really dive in to this and learn its mysteries and when you take time to, you find there are so many things that must happen to get a computer to work. I really have developed a respect for one and what it takes to maintain it. The only problem is that I sit on my thimbs waiting for the next big software or hardware upgrade. I haven't really learned that if a computer works, enjoy it. I've always had a creative streak like that, I have never been happy with leaving something alone once I get it working. In the experimentation, I've learned a lot. I have never really pursued a degree in computers so I consider myself a enthusiast. When I get a question, I don't let it linger too long without an effort to find it's answer. Now, If I could approach my spiritual life in the same fashion then I would be doing great. I think the time is coming where I will tire of my experementation with computers and then I will move on to greener pastures. My friend told me told at lunch that it's important that we know when to listen, I am opinionated and offer it quite a bit and sometimes I do so because I am afraid of the silence if I don't. Imagine living with a constant noise in your head for 20 years or so then one day, silence. I have to admit it can be quite disconcerting so I talk a lot and do so just to make up the difference. If I was to tell the truth and shame the devil, I hate the noise but I hate the silence and I fear both of them equally. I think there will come a time where it will be OK and I will adjust to it. Well my head is empty and it's time to let Mother Nature take over for about 8 hours. You know, about a month ago, I started dreaming again. I can remember some and I journal them so I might interpret them later. I don't ever remember a time when my dreams were so vivid and colorful but presently they have been. Some say there is a symbolism in dreams and that they mirror our current state of unconscienceness. Dreams is the theatre of the mind and is it's chance to express itself. It can't in our waking hours because of our senses and experiences are in charge. So I look forward to close my eyes and view the play. I have a front row center seat. Sleep tight all and sweet dreams.

Lighten Up!

2004-10-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

The last few posts were serious and probably hard to swallow for some. They have their place but you have to temper it with things that are not so serious. As I waited for my doctor's appointment, I saw something that brought tears. The atmosphere there is normally thick in emotionalism. That mad season I discussed earlier left it consequences and that being seeing a doctor every month. Whenever we suffer from a long-range medical condition, it's imparative to monitor it or we lose our health quickly. It's odd, I used to dislike these little chats me and my doctor have but nowadays it is a high point of the month. Just the wait reminds you how fortunate you really are and it puts things in a better frame for me. Sometimes we become so absorbed in our own circumstances that we easily forget that our lives are pretty good compared to others. I like that centering I get. There is very supportive family too. I admit I get a little irritated when I'm told to stop feeling sorry for myself but after the anger has left me, I see it for the truth it is. I dislike the fact that I'm not permitted to feel sorry for myself but the person telling me maintains their right to. To me that never seem equitable. Not everyone does that but for the few that do, it's hard to keep my patience with them. Back to my story. I saw a woman come into the office and she had a teddy bear in each hand and an angelic smile. I found myself wanting to be like her because she sees the world in it's simplest terms, a attribute we should all have. Looking at her, my attention stopped focusing on how I was uncomfortable being there and to her and the childlike innocence she exhibited. I caught myself thinking how much more of a human being she is compared to me and then the tears flowed. It's odd how the simplest things remind us of the most profound things. In our world of indifferance, there was at least one that had no concept of it and I think it makes her a better person for it. I wish I didn't have the eyes I see the world with because I see more of it's failures than its accomplishments. The mad season provides me with such an insight of it but it's a curse in that you always wonder if you have seen too much of it to walk away unjaded. I like to have hope and faith but sometimes it's hard to reach inside yourself to keep it feed and validated. This day, my hunger and thrist was satisfied in the eyes and the life of this woman. My eternal thanks to her, wherever life may lead her.

A Question.

2004-10-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

If a belief has any redeeming quality to it at all, why do we pay money to hear that belief? I have a little time before a doctor's appointment and out of a sheer left field inspiration, I searched the internet for the name of Ed Decker. A little history for the curious. Ed Decker was once aLatter-Day Saint and was subsequently ex communicated from the church. Normally those proceedings are held in the strictest confidence so I will never know why and it's not really neccessary information. Mr. Decker has made a name for himself promoting films and other media to describe the inner workings of the LDS Church. I had seen the film the "The Godmakers" years ago and like most Latter-Day Saints, it left me with many questions. Kinda odd about all this, the Latter-Day Saints never put out information about "other" belief systems but their own. We have these people that base their own righteousness on what they can find wrong with another and what does that say about those beliefs? I think if you must use the errors in other belief systems to validate the correct standing of your own then it reveals the weakness in it. I have to give the Latter-Day Saints credit, they tend to their own and they don't require the scrutiny of another religion to uphold their own beliefs. I actually gave into the temptation to look on Ed Decker's website and by their own admission they deal mainly in Mormonism and Freemasonry. My question is how can you honestly determine the truthfulness of your own beliefs on the supposed lies of another, I don't follow the logic here. If a person wishes not to believe in the Latter-Day Saints then I have no arguement but you can't establish a truth by exposing a lie. Truth must be established on it's own merits. If a person wishes to believe what they choose too then I'm all for that but don't ride the backs of what you consider a incorrect doctorine and convince me that you do it to establish the truth. It's not uncommon for another religion to believe itself so righteous that they will attack another with the intent of saving us from ourselves. We are human beings and all of us are no more closer to our God than the next but pride can convince us of many things but it can't convince us of the truth, if it did, it would cease to exist. I have to give our church presidency credit, In their efforts to help, they do so knowing they are working on their own salvation just as hard as the next. These people embrace their humanity and focus more on the strength in numbers to help them progress then to seperate and place themselves above to save another. Imagine that, our prophet falls to his knees in prayer everyday and humbles himself before his God to forgive him of his sins. Mr. Decker, in your efforts to bring others to the truth of the lies and deceptions of mormonism, have you fell to your knees to ask God for forgiveness from your own sins or would you rather not have other people see and understand that part of it. Have you ever written a book outlining the lies and deceptions of your own movement or is it better to base your truth on the supposed lies of another to validate it. Isn't it better to do the noble thing and agree to disagree, To walk away knowing you had treated someone, another human being , the way you want to treated. No I don't think you could walk away from it because it is the Latter-Day Saints that provide you the power to be and turn a tidy profit at the same time. If I am wrong then I challenge you to stop ALL anti-mormon activity and stand on the truthfulness of your own beliefs without any justification or rationalization by another religious system faults. If you believe The Godmakers is correct in it's assumption or any other books you have written then give them away. Once we place a price on an ideaology then we are saying that these ideas are for the elite who can afford it and pay it's price to be enlightened by it. By putting as price on it we have placed the idealisms of corperate america on it and that will utimately destroy the idea's purity because it must be changed and altered to please the demands that corperate america has to turn a profit. It's so much easier for you to take the path that you have and in doing so I will take the path I have to take, as a Latter-Day Saint.

God Incorperated?

2004-10-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am in the mood to ruffle a few feathers and I think we need to from time to time. Things tend to be too comfortable and then it weakens our ability to deal with the unpredictable. I have had it in my mind to do a narration on the business of God. To me, it's sad that we take a set of proven principles that allows us to equally, equitably deal with ourselves and others and deny some to enjoy them but have no problems selling them. The whole purpose of them is to keep men free but then we attach a monetary value to them. It's really arrogant of a race of people to believe that by stripping the word "God" from our money, principles and pledges, that it erases God's identity. Imaging that, not too long ago a Supreme Court in California ruled that because the word "God" appeared in our Pledge Of Allegence it constituted a violation of the seperation of church and state and therefore ruled unconstitutional. Who filed this action?, an atheist. He claimed that it violated the religious beliefs of his 9 year old by saying it, she must acknowledge a God she supposibly didn't believe in. Let me asked this, If we agreed with this gentleman and removed the name of "God" wouldn't that mean a christian's right are violated now because they are not able to acknowledge a God they believe in? I think in time we will write a politically correct version that will please all. Man's loose use of language is great at distorting things including the truth. That is the scary part of it, we as civilization are constantly tainting the purity of our language and that is the same language that we use to communicate ideas and concepts. This poisoned language will also poison the purity of the ideas we are trying to express. What do I believe? I consider myself a christian, not a perfect one but that's the whole point of a mortal life, to become one and just because we are attempting to strip God of his name on earth doesn't make it a universal truth. I could say that there is no air because I can't see, taste or smell it but does it mean it has no exsitence? What if we removed this air that we don't believe in? Would we still profess our belief in our dying gasps? God is a person that has alot of love and patience for us but I think even he has his limitations and when that is gone, what will we say in our dying gasps and would it count for anything? I choose to make my life better by choose to treat others better. All God talk aside for a brief moment, I find it unacceptable when I am expected to treat someone with trust,respect,honor and love and yet they rationize and justify within themselves to treat me less than what they expect of me. In that instance I decide that the noble thing is not to set out to prove how wrong they might be but to walk away and agree to disagree. I don't judge them as a whole person but in the same breath I don't endorse their actions against me. I think when someone does something "wrong" that act should be judged as wrong but we as a race of people tend to take it a step farther and say that person as a whole is "wrong." but I think we do because we like to catagorize things and once we have judge someone as wrong then that must mean that we are right because we haven't committed that same sin and our fragile pride and ego feels better about themselves. We are all sinners of the very same degree but under different circumstances. I might not have made the same errors in judgement as person "A" but you can bet I have made others that are just as serious but in a different catagory. Back to selling God. I think we dilute the importance of those teachings when we attach a price to them, In a very real sense, we play a price everyday to learn them but we never use our credit cars and checking accounts but the lessons are just as important and binding. I was thinking about numbers yesterday and we rely too much on them. I had a conversation with some one the bus awhile back and we were talking about Schizophrenia and I had mentioned that 4% of the population has been diagnosed with it and someone else said that 4% wasn't such a bad number, 96% of the population was ok and he didn't understand the fuss on such a low number. Because that number was small it was more manageable to him and so I asked him if the entire population of Chicago, Ill was considered big to him and he agreed immeadiately and so I told him that by taking that 4% of effected Americans with Schizophrenia and convert it to the raw numbers, it equaled to the population of Chicago, Ill. Nowadays we try to judge a person's quality of character or quality of life with numbers but with the simplification we lose the additional and neccessary dimention to establish a true assessment of them. I have therory, I think that the antichrist has the number of the beast because he lacks the human quality of most men. He is a man but without the compassion and the love of one. He can't possess love and compassion because his father is lacking the same so that number is quite appropriate. I believe if the adversary can get us to think in numbers then he has the needed cover to accomplish his designs. I've seen so many instances where we will adamantly avoid the number 666 but I think the real concern shouldn't be that number but what it represents and since we are so good at using numbers to represent the human condition and the quality of it, we will never see above that horizon to see the truth. Kinda deep for this post but one worth considering. If it has ruffled your feathers a bit then you are thinking about it that is the whole point of this exercise.

Better And Brighter

2004-10-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

Depression is one of those states that provides the blackest night but when it is over, you appreciate the brightest mornings even more. I hadn't slept very well so the exhaustion played hard on my emotional state. Once I lulled to sleep and provided for my bodies needs, things returned to normal. I will get these times on extreme creativity and I have to be able to put down my ideas to paper or worse yet develop the whole idea as I go through this phase. I don't sleep much during this and although I have produced some pretty impressive ideas in this time, it wears hard on my body. If I stay up for 24 straight hours, I can expect the next 2 days to atone for it. To me it's a acceptable exchange right now. Most of my activities are in the writing department and occasional computer repair or upgrade to keep things interesting. It is a sacred release for me to be able to write down my thoughts or to compose a poem. There will come a time when this will be all thats left of me. It's hard for me because I'm viewed as somewhat of an oddity by others but I have to laugh at it. I think about it this way: I am here to remind the "normal" people how normal they are and worse yet what life holds if they fall from grace. You have to have a sense of humor about those things, there have been a lot of times it has kept me from crying and kept my sanity. I like to live outside life's influences. It reminds me of Lincoln Hill. Kinda odd how I can extract a lesson from things that other people take for granted. In my mad season I found the comfort of being on top of this hill. To me it was like being closer to God. It might've been just a few steps closer but I didn't measure how close I was by the steps I took to get to the top. The hill provided a sensational view and I would stay there for hours on end and let myself dream. That was one in a few things that provided a peace I didn't get often. I always enjoyed the view but I never got a perspective of the hill itself until I came down and backed up 100 paces. The hill itself had a profound beauty to it and I couldn't help but respect how that hill provided it's view. I think life is much like that because we become so busy in our lives that we don't understand how life provides our values and perceptions. By taking a few steps back we gain a healthy respect and love for the process life uses to shape and fashions us as human beings. I believe we can become so entrenched in the status quo that we forget why we wanted it in the first place. We become lost so easily but the process of finding ourselves is much harder. I might never have a lot of money or influence but because of my mad season, I don't value those things as others do. It's not neccessarily a bad thing to want these things but for me it's enough just to feel again and to know that my senses show me the truth again. I enjoy the blessing of living a life without the phantoms and illusions that once struck the coldest and darkest fear into me. I still question my senses but I know I must because I know how easily they can be compromised. It is through question that I keep reality in a very firm grip. I believe that once we stop questioning those things that we will be willing to accept anything, even a lie. That's the part many don't understand. In this event, you are literally stripped of an emotional identity. You can't value anything because you have no frame or point of referance to do so. Then there are the sedatives and other pharmacuticals that are used to quiet what's left but by doing so it kills every human impulse you might have. You don't really live, you just exist and take space up. I didn't term it as a recovery. KInda odd about that really. I bet you I have heard the whole gamut, I can make it go away, I take too much/too little medication, It's all in my head and finally the first prize winning one, It's all in my head and stop using this to get attention. There was one time that someone even asked quite arrogantly "Why did you fake this?" Sometimes, no matter how angry you might be or how much you would like to strike out at this person, you have to understand a few things.

1. People can be and are ignorant. It easier for them to assume their interpretation of the truth then to venture beyond that to find the true nature of what they judge so harshly.

2. Even my closest friends and family know only 1 percent of 1 percent of my life in its whole. That kind of information doesn't even come close to forming a fair judgement of me but a lot of people seems to think it is. Too bad for them because why should I step forward to change their minds when their judgement have already been levied against me? I have limited resources and I won't use them to try to change the minds of those who judge me so unfairly to begin with, it's a no-win situation.

3. In the end, you have to be able to establish boundaries with yourself and with others. You can't possible change them or their opinions but you can change how you react to them and how they are allowed to affect you personally. To love others you must learn to love yourself and understand that your life is not in a perfect position but as long as keep making the stides forward, weather emotional,physical,spiritual or financial, you will make your destination. Don't worry about your destination because it is a constant hence the derivitive of this word "destiny" Concentrate on the journey and understand that the journey will dictate the conditions of your destiny. Make the journey count for something positive and the destiny will take care of itself.

4. Finally, you are judged on someone else's yardstick so it will not reflect where you are truly going. It remains their interpretation of your circumstances. It helps a lot to get opinions from trusted sources but understand it is their take on your events and growth because it helps you determine how to interact with others. Their yardstick can't be yours.

All that being said, I forgive those that has offended me or judge me unfairly and I feel blessed for those that don't and provide me with advice that I can use.

What's The Frequency Kenneth?

2004-10-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

Besides loving the song of the same title by R.E.M., I like to produce titles that draw you into reading the posts. I am a dyed-in-wool computer fanatic and there is so much out there to learn about them. Kinda odd how we treat technology really, most are surrendered to the "It just works" mentality and that is a detriment to them. Computers have such a profound affect on society and you have that to consider how profoundly it is implemented. I think we are so dependant on the "It just works" philosophy that when it doesn't, it tends interupt life in a very disturbing way. Computers are only as "perfect" as the man who designs it and maintains it. Computers are replacing a pencil and paper and I think we put a very unconditional trust into computers and do so blindly without taking the time to understand it's nature and limitations. We are so wowed by it's capabilites that we ignore its responsibilities. We are a visual lot aren't we? As a side note, I have recieved the hard lesson in how fallible our senses really are, our senses only provides us an "interpretation" of actual reality. Like every every other human condition we suffer with, it can be compromised quite easily. While others believe they wake up to reality everyday and is very trusting of it, I must question mine everyday because I know all to well the consequences if I don't. I am blessed to know this because through question, we are provided a more complete concept of where we actual are and our actions towards each other and ourselves. It's a picture I resist even now and sometimes I wish my mind and my eyes were as blind as the next but we are told that we can't gain the blessings of an eternity on ignorance. Our ignorance can excuse many things but it will not excuse us from learning not to be. I think that is the line between ignorance and arrogance, what we choose to learn.

To Be Or Not To Be

2004-10-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

It is a darker night than most and it holds an even darker meaning to me. Depression is one of those states I contend with from time to time and in those moments it's hard to remain positive. During the disaster with the Mustang, I seeked shelter in my parent's apartment. 2 years later and the death of my father, I am cold to the possibilites of ever being free. Isn't it strange how we exchange a want for a need and vica-versa. As a youth, I enjoy being a part of the limelight and the center of attention. I can't explain why. Tonight, I wish for youth once more not to repeat it but to change it. I am far more reclusive now and it's an odd feeling to me. I want someone to pay attention to me but I don't want the controversy it can create. I think it is a period of adjustment and change. I've been so used to having this that now that I don't, I'm feeling a bit lost in the moment. I fear being alone and no one will consider my opinion valid enough to listen. It's not easy when everything that makes you a human being is torn from you and one day you are blessed with it. To be honest, I don't like what I see but in that observation is a comfort knowing that this isn't permanent and change is possible. What I do miss more is being with someone. It is a terrible curse because the expectation is that you should save yourself for that person and you carry on with a faith that it is for the better that you do. Mother Nature has her own designs for you, while you wait in faith, there is this desire that is hard to restrain let alone subjegate. The upside is that it is something that propels a man to always improve upon the design but it costs much in the broken hearts of others. I am a latter-day saint and for me, the pressures and responsibilites are overwhelming at times and they are for the very little of them I have. Am I empty because there is a piece of my life, weather past present or future that I have not acceptably dealt with or is it because I am empty without the touch of another. This is a question that I must answer soon because it bears heavy on my soul and I'm getting tired from the load I must carry.

Magical Power Of Advertising

2004-10-14T02:39:00.000-07:00

Less than one full day after creating this blog, I must make an important descion. At present this blog has no advertising whatsoever and I'm fairly happy with that. Google has graciously offer me an oppertunity to add advertising to this site and for this I will recieve monies to do so. This led me to the question of what do we value and how much. I could allow this and make a small profit but it could possibly turn away those who wish to visit or I could deny myself those profits and allow others to post here without the fear of corperate america staring them in the face everytime they would sign in. In my humble opinion, I prefer the interaction from those that would post here and that being understood, I will not allow ads to be placed on this site. I have a negative viewpoint of advertising anyway because there is no real honesty in it. This brings me to a rather unfortunate story of a red convertable Mustang I once owned. Being new to college back then, I considered purchasing a car and wouldn't you know it, I lived just around the corner from a Ford dealership. I have this habit of buying on impulse and so I would go often to this dealership just to feed the dream. At first I knew my credit was so bad that buying a car there was out of the question, or at least I thought. I had it in my mind to pick up a used car from my Uncle once I recieve my school loans. I got this rather urgent call from the dealership on a Sunday to come down and try applying for a Ford Focus. Needless to say I was VERY green about the whole process and worse yet I was alone. The deal with the Focus fell through but it was then I spied the Mustang. I thought to myself "That a sucessful student requires a successful looking car." I remember all the ads that equated Mustang to a "Man of the world" type mentality. I was more taken in by the image of the car than the actual quality or practical need for it. A few hours later, I had the object of my desire or more appropriately termed lust. The next year was hard to keep payments, dealing with a demanding finance company, impossible sales staff and even more impossible service staff, a break in to the car through the convertable top and at the end of that year and the last few weeks I had the car, I had felt that freedom or success isn't a car or anything material, it is in making good choices and this car was far removed from that. I can drive yet but I gain satisfaction from a bus, it's not quick or get me noticed by all the eligible women but it is affordable and does what it needs to do. My point is that my sense of practicality was overturned by the car's imagine that it's maufacturer presented to the public. We are a visual lot aren't we? To me that is what is so dishonest about advertising, if the advertising of a product is seductive enough, it tends to override a person's common sense or rational reasoning of it. If we can be wowed by the visuals, our sense of reasoning can be effectively bargained with at a later time. It was an expensive lesson and also a cold reality for me. Car salesmen are at the bottom of the food chain and they will use any tactic to get you to sign on the dotted line and once that is done they couldn't care less about you. They use the words to give the impression that they have your best intrest at heart until they get their commission checks. In this instance, I thought about all of you and I didn't want to lower myself to that same standard. Enjoy yourselves here and do so without the advertising.

Welcome All

2004-10-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Here it is folks, It has taken some thought and introspection but now I feel it is time. Welcome to my little place on the web, it is small but there is room for everybody. I wanted to use this to post my feelings about everyday events and the hope you can post yours as well. I do want to stress some points here. This is a blog that will be accessable to everyone, including children, so I must ask that restrait is used as you post here. I do not intend to censor any of you but on the other hand there is more than one way to express a thought and I would hope you would show consideration to the others that might read this. I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY PORNOGRAPHIC WEBLINKS OR POSTS IN THIS BLOG. If you wish to advertise those things, pay for the service like everybody else. I reserve the right to remove anything I feel offensive, be yourself but be tactful being yourself. I find writing clears my personal understanding and so it will be good to post here and to you my audience. I must make one thing clear though, I am a man of many opinions but these are based on my own spin on things and not neccessarily actual truth. I welcome your input on things because that is how we learn, through communication but I would hope we could accomplish these things respectfully. Well enjoy yourself here and I will start to add weblink to my favorite spots and a few pics as well. Thanks and stay tuned.